Glasses, Dreads, and a Drug Cartel
by Cosima-wants-the-D-elphine
Summary: Someone from tumblr asked me to do an Orphan Black and an Orange is the New Black crossover with Cosima and Alex as a thing. SoccerCop definitely a thing and Cophine may or may not become a thing.
1. Chapter 1: I Really Like You

. . .

"Hey!" a dark-haired woman called. The woman wore glasses and had a husky voice. Cosima ignored her, thinking the woman's intentions were to laugh at her for some reason. The woman had an arrogant countenance and Cosima didn't want to expose herself to that if she didn't have to. "Hey you!"

Cosima made a beeline for the bar and leaned over it to talk to the man behind it, as if no one was summoning her.

"Hey, you think I could get say... I don't know... a margarita?" Cosima asked, making sure to smile. She kept her eyes on his as he smiled in response. She hoped to charm him enough so that she could just get a drink, no questions asked.

"Yeah," he replied. He went to turn around, but quickly turned back to face her. "But I'm gonna need to see an ID."

_Dammit_.

"See, that's the thing..." Cosima trailed off as she patted herself down, pretending to look for her license. She brought her eyes back up to meet his as she grinned again, this time apologetically. "I think I left it in my other pants' pocket."

"Well, without an ID..." the man paused. "I can't really—"

"Oh, c'mon... I'm celebrating my twenty-first today," Cosima interrupted, pouting and giving him puppy eyes. She leaned over the counter once more, pushing herself into his space. "Just this once? Please?"

"I really shouldn't—"

"She's with me," the raven-haired woman put in, surprising Cosima by approaching from behind. She draped her arm around Cosima's neck and the PhD student tried not to cringe. "C'mon, man. Get her what she wanted— what was it you wanted, honey? A margarita?"

The stranger gave him a grateful smile even before he sighed in resignation and began getting her the drink. Cosima picked up the woman's hand on her shoulder with two fingers and dropped it so that it fell by the stranger's side as she took a sideways step away.

"I had it under control," Cosima muttered to her through clenched teeth.

"Isn't it a bit cold out for a margarita?" the woman asked, ignoring Cosima's previous statement as she looked at her own drink she'd brought with her. She grinned at her mischievously. It was only when Cosima didn't answer that the woman acknowledged her. "You did not, you can't pass for twenty-one."

"Oh yeah? And what do I pass for?"

"Eighteen," the woman scoffed with a smirk as she took a sip.

"Well you're wrong," Cosima told her coolly, accepting the drink from the man. He rolled his eyes and left them to talk.

"Then how old are you?"

"Twenty."

"Really."

"Yes. Really," Cosima paused a beat. "Do you just approach people and piss them off on purpose?"

"Yes," the stranger replied, raising a perfectly-plucked eyebrow before introducing herself, "Alex."

"Cosima."

"Cosima?" Alex asked, scrunching her face up as she tried it out. "What kind of name is that?"

"What kind of name is Alex?" Cosima countered, sitting down on a stool.

"Touché," Alex replied, sitting next to her. Cosima eyed her, guessing that she only had a few years on her. "So, Cosima. What is it that you do?"

Cosima rolled her eyes, annoyed that her disinterest hadn't been clear enough, that or the woman just couldn't take a hint.

"I'm a PhD student at the University of Minnesota. Evolutionary Developmental Biology," Cosima told her, hoping the large words would deter her as they did most people. They didn't. If anything, they sparked even more interest, the exact opposite of Cosima's intention.

"Ah, so you're a geek genius," she nodded. "I like that in a woman."

Cosima rolled her eyes again as she took a sip of her drink. The woman only stared intently at her, which annoyed her further.

"So. What do you do?" Cosima asked with a sigh, finally accepting that the woman wasn't going anywhere anytime soon.

"I work for an international drug cartel," she replied simply, seemingly in all seriousness. She gave Cosima a mysterious smile and the PhD student chuckled in disbelief.

"Bullshit," Cosima stated, to which Alex raised her eyebrows and slid her glasses so they sat on the top of her head.

"Hm."

"So how are you?" Cosima asked, taking another sip. She eyed her glass, never really letting herself focus completely on the woman for fear of falling victim of her relentless predation; she didn't quite trust her yet.

"I'm good. Bit lonely, but you know, hopefully not for long," Alex admitted. Cosima leaned toward her, smirking because she'd answered exactly as she'd expected and she jumped at the chance for a little burn.

"I meant the drug business, slick," Cosima replied, raising an eyebrow.

"My answer wouldn't have changed," Alex responded, swirling her drink. Cosima chewed her lip at her attempt for a small triumph with the woman. This Alex woman definitely didn't back down too easily.

"Lonely, huh?"

"Yeah," Alex paused a beat. "There's a party I'm going to this weekend—"

"What makes you think I'd be up for that?" Cosima asked.

"The fact that you're still talking to me. Face it, you're interested. You just don't wanna show it," Alex smirked as she raised her glass to her red lips. Cosima stared at them for a few seconds before looking into her teasing light green eyes. She had Cosima pinned exactly.

"Alright, alright. You got me," Cosima admitted, leaning her face against her hand. "So, hypothetically speaking... If I were to go with you... Would I just serve arm candy?"

"Depends on how far you wanna go," Alex replied with a mysterious grin.

"I don't want to engage in any of your... affairs."

"Fine," Alex replied amusedly.

"I'm serious."

"Okay," Alex responded in the same tone.

"Nothing at all."

"I got it. Purely for science, right?" Alex gave her the first genuinely friendly smile. The others had had subtle undertones that Cosima couldn't quite read.

"Sure."

"M'kay," Alex murmured, pulling a pen out. She uncapped it, keeping the cap between her lips as she scribbled something out on a small piece of paper.

"You just carry pens and scrap paper around with you?" Cosima asked flatly.

"No, I just knew you'd say yes," Alex replied. She recapped the pen and tucked it away before sliding the piece of paper over to Cosima. "Here."

"An address. Classy. You want me to meet you there," Cosima remarked.

"Yeah."

Her persistence and her confidence level seemed higher than the average person's, but somewhere along the way—and Cosima didn't know exactly where—she'd grown to find it amusing possibly adorable. Possibly.

"Alright. I'll be there," Cosima sighed. She pointed one finger at the woman and added, "But strictly as arm candy."

"If that's what you want."

"It's what I want," Cosima stated adamantly. She didn't exactly love the idea of being arm candy, especially for this woman, but she was curious and she figured it wouldn't be too bad.

"That's what they all say," Alex murmured just loud enough for Cosima to hear before turning and returning to the table from which she came. Cosima felt partly glad that she'd finally left, but she couldn't help that she also felt partly lonely. She sighed and shook her head at herself as she lifted the glass to her lips.

. . .

Cosima pulled up to a nice house, probably more of a mansion actually, and cut the engine. She had no idea what she'd see in there, but the suspense ate away at her. She just had to know. With a labored sigh, she opened her car door and closed it behind herself before walking up to the door and knocking on it. After a few minutes of waiting, no one had come to the door so she opened it and let herself in.

"Cosima, hey!" Alex exclaimed, waving her over to a small group of people she'd clearly been talking to. Cosima walked over to them and settled herself between Alex and some really tall brunet guy. "Glad you came."

Cosima eyed the people around the misshapen circle before lightly answering, "Well you were so persuasive, how could I say no?"

"Cosima," the man stated, extending a hand out to her. She accepted the hand and shook it. "Mark."

"Hi, Mark," Cosima replied. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Alex step closer to her and wondered if it was subconscious or if she might actually feel jealous.

"So what're you into?"

Cosima knew he wasn't asking about her interests or hobbies, but she didn't know how to reply.

"Just pot for me," Cosima finally told him. Alex raised her eyebrows at the response as if she were impressed.

"Huh, never pegged you for that."

"Did you really peg me for anything?"

"No."

Cosima nodded once before offering a smile to the group. Alex excused herself and withdrew herself from the group as she walked around them. She took Cosima by grabbing her as she walked by and practically yanking her out of the circle too.

"Okay, Cosima, we're clearly not on good terms here. Why?"

"You just... assume I'll do whatever you ask of me," Cosima told her honestly. "And you assume that you know everything about me and what I want."

"I really like you, is that want you want me to say? I thought we were having a little teasing fun," Alex replied. "But then you don't seem to actually be teasing back."

Cosima balked, unsure of whether or not she wanted to believe Alex's words or accept them. Alex was attractive, she couldn't deny that. The woman had an incredible difference in height compared to her, at least half a foot. And she had a husky voice that seemed to sink right into Cosima's skin.

"Teasing... Okay," Cosima finally accepted. "Okay, yeah. Sure. Teasing."

"Honest!" Alex responded, her voice rising slightly. "All in good fun. I'd never have asked you here if I didn't like you. I do like you, you know. I really, really like you."

Secretly, Cosima kind of liked her too. Sure her banter could be slightly irritating, but she seemed intense and ready for adventure, a trait that intrigued Cosima.

"We'll take it one step at a time," Cosima promised.


	2. Chapter 2: A Legit Date

"Okay. So this is what you call a legit date," Cosima remarked as she walked alongside Alex. The raven-haired woman had promised to take her on a legit date after admitting she liked her at the party and now they were walking around the city. "A first date, might I remind you."

"You don't look like you're having too bad a time," Alex countered. "Besides. The bar was our first and the party was our second. We're technically on our third date."

"Who says?" Cosima asked. Alex only smirked as she got out her phone. She cleared her throat.

"A first date," she declared confidently, "is any type of initial meeting between two individuals, whether or not previously acquainted, where an effort is made to ask, plan, and organize some sort of social activity. Dating can vary between cultures, lifestyles, religion, gender, and sexual orientation."

"And?"

"Well, I'm sure we didn't meet on cultural or lifestyle or religious terms..." Alex pointed out. "That leaves gender and sexual orientation—you're clearly attracted to me, after all we've gone on three dates already. Have any input?"

Alex had gotten her. There was no way for Cosima to prove her wrong. If anything Alex was more right that she was.

"Alright, alright... I'll give you that one," Cosima replied.

"So this is a good third date?" Alex stated. Cosima picked up on the tone of voice and the way Alex had said it, she hadn't been asking for approval.

"I wouldn't say good..." Cosima trailed off, smirking at Alex.

"Oh. So it's fantastic. That's a relief," Alex responded.

"I didn't say that—"

"But you thought it," Alex remarked. She sounded sure. "I can see it in your eyes. They light up at every new surrounding."

"No. No, it's just the bright city lights. They're always blinding me."

"Yeah, okay."

Alex made no effort to hide her sarcasm, but watched Cosima out of the corner of her eyes and knew she was right. Cosima was making it hard, but Alex hardly minded.

"You know, if it's cities that you like..." Alex faded off for effect. "I could take you places. See things with you."

"How?"

"Money. International drug cartel remember?"

"No, I don't remember. But I do remember bullshit."

"Don't you wanna find out?" Alex asked.

"How far are you willing to go to keep up the charade?" Cosima responded.

"Well, I won't have to go very far... It's the truth."

"Let's say I believe you. Hypothetically speaking, of course. How do I know I'm not some unsuspecting pawn of yours or whoever's?"

"Because you're very suspecting," Alex told her. "And you're way too cute and smart for me to use you like that."

"And, still hypothetically speaking, where would you take me?"

"I could take you any time, any where," Alex joked, knowing Cosima would catch the innuendo. Cosima tried not to smirk, but she did anyway.

"No, where would we go?"

"I'd say... Colombia. How's that sound?"

Truth be told, it sounded fun to Cosima. But she still wasn't sure if she should trust Alex, even though she definitely liked her. A lot.

"We could look at the mountains... Visit quaint little shops..."

"I thought we were talking hypothetically."

"Okay. Well how about this. We will hypothetically stay in a hypothetical five star hotel. Hypothetically. Does that hypothetically sound good?"

"Hypothetically, yes."

"And you'd hypothetically go?"

"Hypothetically, yes," Cosima repeated.

"Can we stop talking in hypotheticals now? Because I have something to ask you," Alex told Cosima. The PhD student nodded with a grin.

"Sure. What is it?"

"Would you go to Colombia with me? It's not too soon... In a few months."

"I might."

"You might," Alex muttered, grabbing Cosima by the shoulders to stop her from walking. She stepped closer to her, towering over her with the six-inch difference. In her low, husky voice she added, "Come with me. I'm not talking hypothetically anymore. I want you with me. You'd be so fun to have with me. I want you to come."

Cosima breathed in slowly as she looked into Alex's green eyes, completely derailed by Alex's sudden solemnity. The woman looked like she really meant everything she said and the intensity behind her requests was breathtaking.

"Okay," Cosima breathed. She forced herself to nod slowly as if she were under a spell. "Okay, I'll go with you."

"Great," Alex responded, dropping all intensity and reverting back to her teasing self. The two of them began walking again, but in silence as Cosima took some time to recompose herself. Alex broke the silence by saying, "You'll love it."

And in normal circumstances, Cosima would've challenged her assumption, but the poor brunette was still recovering. The passion behind Alex's eyes was something she'd never seen in her before and it completely enthralled her. She wondered how Alex had the capacity to change so suddenly in a split second as she had. It was strange, but it was captivating and it was then Cosima knew she was screwed.


	3. Chapter 3: Just This Once

"Can you do me a favor?" Alex asked hesitantly, but fully prepared to turn on the charm if she felt it necessary. She looked up from her book as Cosima turned to look at her and smirked.

"All I heard there just now," Cosima began as she walked over to the bed, "was 'Can you do me?'"

She crawled across the bed over to Alex and gently took the book away, dropping it to the floor below as she focused in Alex's pink lips.

"And I can promise you that I can _definitely_ do you," Cosima finished leaning in for a quick kiss. Alex complied and kissed her softly on the lips and chuckled as the kiss was broken.

"No seriously, Cos... Can you do me a favor?" Alex repeated in her husky low tone as she kept her eyes on the dreadlocked brunette. Cosima sighed, realizing that she wasn't getting anywhere with her advances for the night and shifted her position from on all fours to a sitting one.

"That depends..." Cosima replied, wetting her lips. She already had a feeling that she knew what Alex would be asking of her, but she wanted to make sure that she wasn't jumping to conclusions. "What's the favor?"

Only months ago, Cosima had made it clear that she would not let herself get mixed up in Alex's business—the supposed international drug cartel that turned out to be not so supposed after all—but she was sure this was what Alex would be asking of her.

The raven-haired woman cringed before hesitantly and hurriedly answering, "I need you to carry a case for me."

"No," Cosima shook her head and her dreadlocks swung with the movement of her head. "No, I'm not doing that. I told you I wasn't going to get wrapped up in this. This is _your_ thing, not mine."

"Cos, please... I really have no other choice. If I did, you know I wouldn't have asked you," Alex told her. "It'd only be just this once."

"Just this once?" Cosima asked to confirm. Alex nodded, her expression brightening. Cosima sighed and shook her head. "No, no. What am I saying? I can't do that."

"Cos... _Please_. Look, I can go with you, that's no problem. But I have other things to attend to and I don't have time. I really need a stand-in," Alex explained, hoping her reason would persuade the scientist. "Cosi, I promise it'll be like a vacation."

"A vacation sounds nice—" Cosima began.

"Great—" Alex interrupted.

"But it's not one," Cosima reminded her, cutting her off in return.

"Cosima, _please_," Alex tried again. Despite Cosima's numerous negations, she knew the girl was close to cracking. She ran her fingers down Cosima's arm and when she got to her hand, she took it with her own. She knew Cosima liked that. "Just once. It'll be quick too. The rest of the time will be for us. I _promise_."

Cosima drew in a deep breath, but didn't answer. She only looked at Alex and exhaled slowly, wondering if she really was going to say yes to Alex's request. She cleared her mind, trying to reset it back to a negative answer.

"We could have so much fun," Alex continued, reaching over and taking Cosima's other hand. "Just you and me... in a new city..."

Cosima could feel herself breaking as she imagined all the new experiences and things she would be exposed to and have opportunities to try if she accepted. The food, the music, the culture, everything. And it was only one case. No big deal, really...

"A nice place with a nice view..." Alex went on, knowing Cosima would break down soon. "All for what? Just one little case for only a small set time... You're not gonna get caught. I promise."

"How can you promise that?"

"Just... Trust me."

Cosima sighed, knowing she'd lost. Even if Alex hadn't put forth such an effort to persuade her, she might've said yes anyway. She wondered what Alex's business was like and her curiosity would've consumed her and forced her into a yes anyway.

"Okay," Cosima replied. "Okay, I'll do it. But just this once."


	4. Chapter 4: ¡Es un aeropuerto!

Cosima Niehaus strutted across the airport's baggage claim area, waiting for The Suitcase. She was easily disguised as a student going overseas, perhaps studying abroad—Alex hadn't told her much about anything. She nodded, friendly and amiable to a random passerby as she made her way to the conveyor belt. Despite her current situation, she felt strangely calm. She'd be meeting Alex—or rather, Alex would catch up with her—and then they'd be off and everything would be okay.

"Hey—uh..." Cosima stuttered, remembering the man behind the counter probably didn't speak English. "_Hola_."

She tossed him a huge smile, and tilted her head as he turned around. She hoped this would make up for her horrendous Spanish—she'd taken it in high school, but due to lack of use, it'd gotten rusty.

"Uh, cómo—" Cosima stopped and murmured to herself. "That's 'how.' Not 'where.'"

The man gave her a look and she looked back at him apologetically before clearing her throat and trying again with another dazzling smile.

"Dónde es—no! Uh... ¿Dónde está...?" she didn't remember the word for baggage claim so she mimicked the action of picking a suitcase up by its handle.

"¿_Pesas?_" the man asked, still looking confused. He looked at her strangely and Cosima didn't recognize that word, but she nodded and assumed he'd gotten it. "¿Estás buscando el _gimnasio?_ ¿Por qué estás buscando el gimnasio aquí? ¡Es un aeropuerto!"

"Yeah, uh— Sí, sí... Yo sé que es un aeropuerto," Cosima replied slowly. "No... No gimnasio... Dónde está mi..."

Cosima looked around and pointed to a woman with a rolling suitcase as she walked by. And looked at the man to see if he understood.

"¿Tu maleta?" he asked. Cosima assumed he got it, after all she'd made it fairly obvious this time, so she nodded vigorously and smiled again. He gave her a knowing smile as he extended his arm to point. "Vaya derecho y a la izquierda."

"Gracias," Cosima thanked him and went in the direction he'd indicated. The baggage claim was there, just as he'd said. She waited and the suitcase arrived, just as she'd planned. She opted to skip customs, she figured that be the best thing to do, and kept her head down as she made a beeline to get out of the area.

"¿_Cómo se llama, bonita_?" Alex greeted her suddenly as she came up from behind her. She took the case from her as she hugged her.

"Alex—I don't know Spanish," Cosima confessed. "I mean I do, but I'm hella rusty..."

"We'll be fine," Alex told her, taking her hand. She had a look of realization on her face as she asked, "Did you skip customs?"

"Yeah... Was I not supposed to?"

"Holy shit, Cosima—you are a fuckin' genius!" Alex exclaimed in an excited whisper. She pulled her in for a kiss and stated, "C'mon, let's get to the hotel—I am gonna eat you for dinner!"


	5. Chapter 5: Watch Out for Pickpockets!

. . . . .

After processing, Cosima walked out to find other inmates waiting outside in matching orange jumpsuits.

"Good day, ladies and... well, ladies!" a black-haired woman with a Boston accent greeted them loudly. "I'm Morello and I'm gonna be your tour guide, right Fischer?"

Cosima thought she might even be able to trace a little hint of a Brooklyn accent as well as a female correctional officer nodded and gave the woman a smile. Morello turned back to talk to the new inmates boarding the van. Cosima was the last one and followed the woman in front of her cautiously, making sure to give her some space and not follow too closely.

"Alright, I'll need ya to keep ya hands, feet, tongues, and luggage to yaselves until we get there," Morello announced once all the inmates were seated and Fischer was up front with her. She began the drive to the prison. "Alright, to the left we see a nice barbed wire fence. Put there for our safety—so no one can get in and hurt us."

She looked in her rear view mirror to see if anyone had cracked a smile. No one had. Cosima had wanted to, but wondered if it'd be inappropriate or just plain frowned upon.

"And to the right we see a _nice_ brick formation," Morello continued, referring to the building. "Up ahead we got some very nice trees... They turn different colors in the fall and stuff. Real pretty eh, Fisher?"

The woman nodded again.

"Up ahead we have more trees... They also turn different colors in the fall," Morello continued as she drove to the prison. "Would be a nice nature walk if we got out, right girls?"

Only annoyed faces stared back at her. She remained quiet for the rest of the ride and parked the van when they'd arrived.

"Alright, folks!" she announced. "I'm gonna have to ask ya to please exit from your left, Fisher's gonna help ya out—won't ya Fischer?"

"Yes, ma'am!"

"Watch ya step and remember: watch out for pickpockets!" Morello called after them before muttering to herself. "No sense of humor, I swear..."

"Hey!" Cosima greeted her brightly. "I have a sense of humor."

"Do you now?"

"Yeah. I'd have laughed at everything if it weren't for everyone else. I didn't know if that was a thing or not..."

"Honey, in a place like this, ya gotta keep ya sense of humor," the driver replied. She stuck her hand out and said, "Morello."

"Cosima," the PhD student smiled, taking the woman's hand. She shook her head and blinked before correcting herself with a nod. "Niehaus."

"Alright then, Niehaus... Ya liked my tour?" Morello smiled, dropping her hand after the handshake. "Stick with me, kid. I'll show ya around."

"I look forward to that," Cosima grinned before walking inside with the woman.

"But after you're settled in, okay? And don't rush it. Tip number one, you're gonna want to get to know your bunk mates—'til ya get moved, anyway."

Cosima followed her in along with the other inmates and ignored the ones who were already settled. The women gawked at the group of newbies and the PhD student had to admit that it was unsettling.

"This is ya temporary bunk," Morello informed Cosima as she led her and one other girl to a room. She leaned into Cosima and asked, "Are you black?"

Cosima stared at her strangely before answering, "No?"

"Oh. Good," Morello responded, handing the PhD student a toothbrush while overlooking the Hispanic girl. "Girl could get confused with your black person hair."

"I'm sorry, what?" Cosima asked.

"We look out for our own."

Cosima squinted at her still confused, but before she could ask, another Hispanic woman asked something of the girl in Spanish, at a speed too quick for Cosima to understand.

"I- I don't know Spanish," the girl admitted ashamedly. The woman appeared irritated by this news before turning to face Cosima.

"You know Spanish?" she asked. Cosima looked around, unsure of what to say. Morello was somewhat behind the woman and out of her field of vision and started making motions to say no. The dreadlocked girl's eyes went to the woman who stood waiting impatiently for an answer.

"Un poco..." Cosima decided to answer. "No mucho porque olvid—"

"You see? Fucking _white_ girl knows Spanish," the woman remarked before returning to her bed. Cosima looked and saw Morello with a palm on her forehead before she left.


	6. Chapter 6: We Got a Spy

Cosima watched as a woman about her height and age trudged into the cafeteria, slouching as she walked with a sour look on her face.

"Ya see 'er?" Morello asked. Cosima nodded in response.

"Yeah. What's her problem?"

"That there's Manning. She got her kid taken away. Oh and she's British. It's a wonder how she survives in here. I tell ya, poor girl can't go a day without someone askin' 'er when teatime is."

Cosima stifled a laugh and looked at Morello as she asked, "Are you serious?"

"Yeah. Rumor has it she's killed a man," Morello continued. "But record has it, she's a con. Mighty good one too. Impersonated a cop, escaped police custody, drug deals, the whole shebang. We got ourselves a regular badass with 'er."

Cosima nodded in understanding. Morello looked around, scanning the room for anyone else she hadn't informed Cosima about and her eyes settled on a woman who looked as if she were surrounded by spikes from every direction.

"See her? That's Hendrix. Straight outta the suburbs, but the scariest one of 'em all, truth be told."

"She's so tiny," Cosima commented.

"She killed a woman, I heard. I heard she just grabbed tha bitch, tied a scarf 'round 'er neck and pulled. Some versions even say the bitch's head popped off, but I don't believe that, you?"

Cosima shook her head in awe.

"That and she had a pill and alcohol problem."

"Is that why she's sitting like that? Withdrawal?"

"Nah, she's just afraid of all the germs, that's all. Prison doesn't carry those designer disinfectin' wipes, ya know? So she just sits there, waitin' to be over taken by the germs. Ya should see 'er in the bathroom. That's a real sight to see. Every mornin' at six, every night at eight."

"I'll try to remember that," Cosima replied amused at the information being presented at her.

"Oh and one more thing. Hendrix over there has some sort of rivalry with Yoga Jones. She's hated that poor woman since the day she got here."

"Anyone know why?"

"Nope. She's crazy, I tell ya. But as crazy as she is though, you'll wanna get on 'er good side. She's got _connections_," Morello explained. "Got a man on the outside."

"Husband?"

"Not even. His name's Ramen or Ramon or somethin'. He doesn't visit 'er often," Morello pointed to another woman, who laid stingily on the couch. "Childs—she's a cop—Childs also has connections."

"Cop? What's a cop doing in a place like this?"

"Killed a woman," Morello stated casually. "Killed 'er in one clean shot."

Morello made a gun with her fingers and mimed it.

"_Bang!_"

"Hey!" a young correctional officer shouted. He gave her a warning look. She mouthed an apology before turning back to Cosima.

"That there is Bennett. Don't worry 'bout him, he's a softie. Really good with the ladies."

"Oh?"

"And by ladies, I mean those Latina whores," Morello finished. Cosima cringed at her harsh words, but didn't say anything. She'd found that Morello was always like this. "I think the word they use is 'puta' or somethin'."

"Actually, it'd be 'putas' because you're talking plurally—"

"Oh, ya know Spanish? Good. We got a spy," Morello nodded her approval.

"'We?'"

"Yeah! The white people. _We_. Our group. _Our people_. We wanna know what they say behind our backs—or rather right in front of us," the woman explained. "And that is Sawicki. He wears a mullet like it's the friggin' nineteen seventies. Or eighties—whenever they were popular... Which really should be never, 'cause have you _seen_ 'em? Nah, but somehow Tony-boy manages to make it work, so. Power to 'im."

"Him...?" Cosima asked, wondering why they'd put a male in a female's prison.

"Yeah," Morello nodded. She leaned in and lowered her volume. "His birth certificate said female. So the state put 'im in here."

"He's trans," Cosima figured out.

"Not quite. I mean, yes. But not according to the damn officials, apparently. Got nabbed by the police before his whole reassignment thing, so... He's in here with us. Doesn't really make sense does it?" the woman tsked. "F'he says he's a man, he's a man—it ain't difficult! But I suppose in a way that he's safer in here, so that part is good... Less likely to be raped. It's sad that kinda stuff happens..."

"I suppose you're right..."

"Least he still gets his T. That's what really matters at this point, right?"

"Right..." Cosima agreed, before changing the subject. She knew the government system was full of bullshit and it upset her whenever she heard about people who had to be subjected to it. "Got anything else for me? Like, who should I avoid?"

"From the looks of it, I'm pretty sure you could handle yourself, honey... But I'd stay away from blondie over there," Morello pointed to a woman with a bob. "That's Duncan. She's a real bitch."

"A real bitch, huh?"

"Oh yeah. One straight outta Cold Bitch Digest. There's talk of her bein' a millionaire or even a billionaire. But most o' that came from embezzlement, so it don't really count. She's a genius though. Oh and she kinda has a thing for Manning, but Manning just shits on 'er whenever she can."

"How so?"

"See, Manning just came back from SHU. And how do I know that? The dead look in her eyes. The look of despair and loss of time," Morello explained. "And do you wanna know why she went to SHU?"

Cosima nodded.

"Said she wanted to draw a nice little picture for 'er eight-year-old daughter. Put a pencil to the paper and started drawin'. Few seconds after the C.O. passed, lunged at Duncan and drove that pencil into the bitch's left eye—wait 'til blondie turns around. She's got an eye patch big enough to have its own zip!" Morello pointed as Duncan turned to glare at them. "Eh, Duncan! Sorry—ya death glare is only 'bout half as potent now!"

Cosima burst out laughing as the blonde stormed out of the rec hall. She held up a hand for Morello to high-five and she did.

"And really the only other person I'd say to steer clear from is..." Morello paused to look in each corner of the room. Her eyes lit up in recognition as she looked in the corner in back of Cosima. "_Her_."

Cosima turned and saw a woman with frizzy blonde hair sitting in the fetal position in the corner. The mysterious woman's head was down and her face couldn't be seen. The dreadlocked girl turned back to her newly found friend and looked at her questioningly.

"No one even knows much about her. Not even me," Morello admitted. "Everybody just calls 'er Helena. She's Russian or somethin'."

"_I_ am Russian!" a Russian-accented voice snapped. Cosima looked up to see an older woman with bright red hair sticking up every which way walking by. "_She_ is _Ukrainian_."

"That's Red," Morello informed her. "So I guess Helena or whatever her name is is Ukrainian. And she's a religious nut. Heard she blinded a nun at a convent in the Ukraine when she was eight and started killing shortly after in the name of Jesus. Real psychopath that one. I don't even think Pennsatucky messes with 'er. Not yet anyway. If there's anything smart that girl's ever done, it's that. Helena tried to kill Childs. She's tried to kill Hendrix. Hell, she looks like she might even wanna kill you! Got any ideas as to why?"

Cosima shook her head and waited expectantly as if Morello had an answer.

"Oh, no I'm just askin'. I sincerely have no idea," the woman told her. "I told ya nobody knows about 'er. Kinda just keeps to 'erself. Probably good for your sake."

The PhD student nodded her head, taking everything in before Morello spoke again.

"Say, what're you in here for anyway? Nice girl like you..."

"Pot possession," Cosima replied.

"_Really?_" Morello raised an eyebrow and looked impressed.

"No. I carried cases for an international drug cartel in which my girlfriend was involved... But on the side I did pot. Feds don't know about that yet," Cosima gave her a knowing smirk.

"Ah... We gotta watch out for you..." Morello smiled and wagged a finger at her. "Listen, it's been nice gabbin' with ya, but I gotta go see a woman 'bout a monkey."

The woman winked, got up from the table, leaving Cosima processing the new information and analyzing her surroundings.

"What you some kinda inside-out Oreo or some-in?" a black woman with an urban accent asked as she passed by.

"I'm sorry?" Cosima asked, snapping out of her daze.

"You know," her friend piped in. "White on the outside, black on the inside..."

"What?" Cosima asked again. The first woman grabbed her hair and held it in front of her face.

"You wearin' some fuckin' dreads like you some fuckin' Rastafarian!" the first exclaimed.

"Actually—" Cosima began.

"Yeah! She actin' like she Bob Marley!" the other added, laughing hysterically And doubling over.

"They soft though..." the first one admitted as she ran her fingers over them. "Imma call you Bob Marley. How's that sound?"

"Um—"

"Nah, nah, T. Call her the _white_ Bob Marley."

"Yeah, the white Bob Marley... That's got a ring to it. What you think?"

"I—"

"Hey!" an unfamiliar voice called. Cosima looked up and saw a woman with whom she'd bunked sitting with Yoga Jones. "Come over here!"

"Excuse me," Cosima said politely to the women before joining the others.

"Good morning, Niehaus," Yoga Jones greeted her. "How's your day been?"

"Pretty good, yours?"

"The sun saluted her," the woman who'd called Cosima over piped in. "Hey. Nichols."

"Niehaus," Cosima replied.

"Ooh! That sounds ethnic!" a girl interjected. Cosima turned around and saw a girl who looked Japanese and studied her. The girl's name tag told Cosima her name was Brook Soso and Cosima muffled a laugh at her last name. And despite her inmate uniform, Cosima could tell the girl was all too eager and always had something to say. "Reminds me of the word for 'Hello' in Chinese."

"Oh yeah?" Nichols asked, clearly uninterested.

"Yeah!" the girl nodded obliviously before going to try to pronounce it perfectly. "_Nǐ hǎo!_"

"Bitch, you're fuckin' Japanese," Nichols rolled her eyes as she chewed on a piece of bread.

"Um, Japanese-Scottish you ignorant cunt!" she snapped. "Get it right."

"I am right. Last I checked you were speakin' Chinese, not Japanese or _Scottish_," Nichols responded. "You wanna know about Chinese, go talk to Chang. I'm sure she'd love to educate ya."

"Is Chang that woman in commissary?" Cosima whispered to Yoga Jones.

"Yeah, have you seen her?" the older woman asked. Cosima nodded and smirked.

"Yes. Grouchy thing isn't she?" the student replied. She turned to Soso and plastered an angelic smile on her face. "You know, _Soso_..."

The girl's eyes conveyed interest.

"I just came from commissary and I know for a _fact_ that Chang wants to teach you all about the Chinese culture," Cosima told her sweetly. "She told me to send that 'sweet, beautiful, intelligent, girl' down to her. And I told her, 'I'm new. I don't know anyone. What girl?' And you know what she said to me? She said, 'When you meet her, you'll _know_.' And so I promised her to send you her way and look, here you are. The girl of my dreams."

She heard Nichols choke on her drink and saw a few droplets spew out of her mouth in her peripheral vision.

"Hey, don't laugh at someone's chance of a higher education," Cosima told the hysterical woman. She turned back to Soso. "Go on. She's waiting for you. Education calls."

Soso practically bounded toward the doors to the cafeteria, only to be stopped by the C.O. standing by the door.

"_Nobody_ leaves lunch until lunch is over!" he shouted, loud enough for everyone to hear and stare at the girl.

"Oh fuck! I forgot about Mendez!" Nichols roared with laughter. "That's fuckin' hilarious! Eh, what'd ya say your first name was, Niehaus?"

"Cosima."

"Well, Cosima Niehaus... I think this's the beginning of a beautiful friendship," Nichols managed to get out through her chuckles.


	7. Chapter 7: They've Never Failed Me

"Niehaus! Looks like ya've been reassigned already!" Morello announced, motioning for Cosima to follow her. She looked at her bunk mates before leaving with all her things. "Let's see... They put you in the same area with—oh man, this'll be a trip—Manning, Hendrix, Sawicki, Childs, _and_ Duncan. Whities like you an' me. Good for you."

"I've been meaning to ask you about that—"

"It's not racist," Morello assured her with a smile. "It's tribal—territorial at its worst. But not racist."

Cosima didn't believe her, but had nothing else to go off so she just nodded and smiled as she led her to her cube. The woman pointed to the empty bed next to Sawicki, who faced the wall in a curled up position on his own bed. Morello leaned in toward Cosima to whisper in her ear.

"He's not much of a talker... Hasn't even really made any friends even though his term's almost up."

"His term's almost up? That's great!" Cosima whispered back.

"Yeah. _Great_," he muttered flatly, rolling over to face his roomie. "You know I can hear you guys, right?"

He rolled his eyes before turning back over and facing the wall again. Morello gave Cosima an apologetic look before buzzing away and leaving the girl with her new acquaintance.

"Hey, I'm—"

"Look, I don't really care. Just stay on your side, don't touch my stuff, and keep your nose outta my business, okay?" Tony asked. Cosima pressed her lips together, but decided to make an effort anyway.

"So, what do you plan on doing when you get out of here?" she asked, maintaining her amiable tone. "Anyone you wanna see? Any places you wanna go to? How about home?"

No answer.

"I know if I were you, I'd wanna go home..."

"I don't _have_ a place to go after I get outta this hellhole," Sawicki answered gruffly, still looking at the wall in front of him. Cosima shot herself in the foot and scolded herself for bringing up a clearly sore subject, even though she had no way of knowing. "And I don't have anyone to see."

"Well. How about you promise to visit me in here after you get out?" Cosima tried. Her roommate rolled over and stared at her quizzically and skeptically. "I could be your someone to see."

"What?"

"Visit me," Cosima repeated. "I mean it. I'd like to get to know you, if that's okay with you. You're an interesting guy. Promise you'll visit me and keep me updated on the world, Sawicki?"

"Call me Tony," he muttered under his breath before getting up and leaving her alone in the cubicle. Cosima smiled to herself, knowing she'd gotten to him. And despite his rough exterior, she could tell he had a kinder layer underneath. She just had to get to it. And this was a good start. "And quit smiling like you won the lottery."

"_Psst!_" came a forced whisper.

Cosima looked up, but didn't see anyone. She then thought to stand and look over the cubicle's short walls and upon standing, she saw the woman Morello had identified as Hendrix.

"Got any good soap?" Hendrix inquired quietly with nervous eyes. "Someone stole mine. I was hoping Lorna had given you an extra maybe?"

"Lorna?" Cosima asked in a low voice. She hadn't met anyone named Lorna as far as she knew.

The woman rolled her eyes impatiently before whispering, "Yes. Lorna. Lorna Morello."

"Morello's name is Lorna? That's cool—"

"Just answer my question!" she hissed.

"Why are we whispering?" Cosima inquired.

"Manning is napping and—"

"Alison!" shouted a London-accented voice. Cosima chuckled and shook her head to give the germaphobe an answer. "Shut up, would ya?"

"Gosh darn it!" she spat, sitting back down on her own bed and out of sight of the PhD student. "Eff my life!"

"Alison. Would you _please_ just shut the hell up!?" Manning snapped.

"What, someone cranky 'cause she didn't have her tea yet?" an unfamiliar voice commented snidely. Cosima stretched to see who'd said it and found the voice belonged to the ex-cop, Childs.

"Beth, don't provoke her," Hendrix warned.

"Why? Is _Ol' Jack the Rippa_ gonna rise and shank me?" Childs asked, putting a horrible English accent on the name.

"Don't test me, Childs..." Manning muttered.

"Ooh, I'm shakin' in _me_ _wee trainers_ _I am!_" Childs replied, her voice louder this time. "Think I just _bloody soiled me trousas_."

"Shut. _Up_," Manning growled. "Both of you."

"How about all three shut the fuck up? You're disturbing the peace with all your bitchin'," Cosima heard Tony's voice suggest venomously. Soon after, she heard his feet scuffing across the floor before seeing him appear in her field of view. He looked at her and said, "I've taken what you said into consideration."

"And?"

"I'll come visit you," he told her simply before returning to his bed and turning to face the wall yet again.

"Why're you even here?" Manning's muffled voice asked Childs. Cosima could picture the Brit with her head buried in her pillow or under the covers.

"I came to see the fresh meat."

"Well as you can see, Beth, we've been here a while and this is clearly the wrong bunk," Hendrix replied.

"So where is she then?"

"With Sawicki," Hendrix informed her. Cosima heard the ex-cop shuffle over and appear in the opening of the cubicle.

"If you put so much as the tip of one of your toes in this cubicle, I swear to God..." Tony began, turning around and sitting up to stare at the woman.

"Relax," Childs muttered, putting her hands up defensively. "Just visiting."

"Isn't that ironic how the Monopoly board says that? But there's no difference between being in jail and just visiting, really. Everybody knows that," Tony commented.

"You," Childs pointed to Cosima, ignoring Tony's comment. "What's your name?"

"Niehaus," Cosima told her. Childs nodded and a pensive expression spread across her face.

"Alright. You met her, you got her name. Are you good now?" Tony asked, crossing his arms.

"Not quite," Childs answered promptly, staring at Cosima. Tony rolled his eyes, but swung his feet over the edge of his bed to face Cosima as Beth spoke, "What're you in for?"

Tony violently rose to his feet and in only two steps reached the woman and glared into her eyes, only about three inches from her face.

"What's it to you?" he asked. Childs pushed him back by his shoulders and glowered at him in return.

"I wasn't talking to you, dipshit. Niehaus, what're you in for?"

"Pot possession..." Cosima answered strangely, keeping her eyes on the ex-cop. "Why?"

Without an answer, she walked off in the opposite direction. Cosima looked to Tony for an answer. He sighed and went to sit on his bed.

"She likes to get the lowdown on everybody... Probably to use it against you eventually... She's bound to," he muttered. "She's a cop. That's what god damn cops do. Anyway, she doesn't have shit on me and I'd like to keep it that way."

"Well joke's on her because that's not what I'm in here for," Cosima admitted. Tony looked her in the eyes for the first time and a small grin of approval spread across his bearded face.

"You're sharp, aren't you?" he chuckled. "I like that. Wit's all you got to survive in here."

"And here I'd heard it was a sense of humor," Cosima responded, causing him to laugh softly again.

"You're both wrong!" a coarse voice interrupted them. The PhD student looked up to see a petite brunette woman with a finger pointed at them. "You need _God_ to survive!"

Tony rolled his eyes.

"Pennsatucky..." Cosima thought aloud.

"That's me!" the woman nodded once, meeting her stare with intense eyes. "And I'm here to ask you if you've accepted the Lord our Savior in your heart yet."

"I'm sure if she _wanted_ to, she'd have found you by now..." Tony muttered, making a shooing motion toward her. "Out."

"Keep your trap shut," Pennsatucky snapped. "Ya bearded lady."

Cosima's jaw dropped at the audacity of this woman and she scowled at her. Tony balled his hands into fists and before anyone really knew what he was doing, he sucker punched the ignorant woman and she dropped to the ground. A C.O.—the one who'd been in the van with Morello on Cosima's first day—came running.

"Fischer!" Pennsatucky cried out melodramatically. "That _thing_ just punched me!"

Fischer looked up at Tony with questioning eyes and he only looked back ashamedly.

"Inmate, is that true?" the C.O. asked, her tone showing hopefulness that it wasn't true. Tony nodded his head as he collapsed onto his bed even though he knew he'd probably have to go to SHU and have time added on to his sentence.

"I-It attacked me when I tried preachin' the good Lord's word to the new girl," Pennsatucky stammered, shooting an evil eye toward Tony. "That abomination has the _Devil_ in it—imagine that! A spiritual battle right in this very prison..."

"C'mon, Sawicki. You know I gotta take you outta here," Fischer told him sadly. Tony stood up and went to walk with her, until Cosima piped up.

"Ma'am—Officer Fischer," Cosima called. The woman turned around and waited to hear what the dreadlocked girl had to say. "Pennsatucky attacked him first."

"How so?" Fischer asked. "I don't see a mark."

"It... It isn't a mark you can see," Cosima told her. "It's on his heart."

"Oh please—" Pennsatucky scoffed.

"Quiet, inmate!" Fischer commanded before motioning for Cosima to continue.

"While what she said was true—the part about coming to me to talk about God—she didn't exactly say the whole truth. She'd called him a bearded lady. Is that something you call a man?" Cosima asked. "I mean, just listen to how she refers to him. '_That thing_,' _'it_,' 'the _abomination_.' Is that any way to treat anyone regardless of gender or lack thereof?"

"If it was truly a man, it wouldn't have punched me!" Pennsatucky argued. "True men don't hit women."

"Like you'd consider him a man if he hadn't hit you!" Cosima shot back. "You hadn't considered him a man before and he'd never hit you then either. Your reasoning is invalid."

Fischer let go of Tony's arm and took out a notepad.

"Inmate, I'm not gonna bring you to SHU... But I'm still gonna write you a shot," Fischer told him. "A minor thing, nothing that'll add time. And, Pennsatucky, I don't want to see you in here anymore."

"I'm bringin' this to Mr. Healy. He'll see and deal with this the right way," Pennsatucky threatened, picking herself off the floor and beginning to walk out. "Y'all are fuckin' _idiots_ with one-way tickets to _hell!_"

"We'll have more fun there without you!" Cosima called, to which Pennsatucky stuck her middle finger in the air before closing the doors behind her. Fischer nodded at the two of them before exiting as well.

"Thanks..." Tony said to Cosima.

"Don't mention it," she replied with a wave of her hand.

"No. Really. Thank you," he insisted. "You're really special, you know that?"

"I'm not special, Tony..." she told him. "That's just being a decent human being."

"This must've been a crazy first day for you," Tony remarked, sitting on his bed. Cosima laughed and nodded, her dreads swaying with her movement.

"Yeah, it was..." Cosima agreed lightly. She paused before asking, "You okay?"

"Not really, but I'll get over it. I always do," Tony managed a smile before turning and facing his precious, precious wall.

"Can I ask you why you do that? Face the wall all the time?"

"Try it yourself," he answered, his voice bouncing off the hard surface. Cosima lay down and faced her wall, facing the opposite direction. "Stare at it, Cosima. What do you see?"

"I see nicks in it... And I feel like it and I are the only things in existence."

"There you have it," Tony sighed and took a deep breath. "Sometimes I pretend the nicks and grooves are stars... I used to look at 'em all the time as a kid. I always said that no matter how I felt or who I was, I could always count on them to treat me equal and shine just as bright for me as they do everybody else. And you know what?"

"What?" Cosima asked.

"They've never let me down."


	8. Chapter 8: Co-si-ma

. . .

"Cos, what is that case doing here? It's supposed to be in Bogotá in a half hour!" Alex exclaimed as soon as she came in the door. She looked around but saw no sign of her girlfriend and sighed. She noticed a small piece of paper on the table with Cosima's handwriting on it and picked it up to read it.

_**Alx, deliver the case yourself. I went out for a walk around town like a normal person.**_

_**-Cos**_

Despite Cosima's usage of the nickname 'Alx,' the woman could tell the girl was pissed, judging from how dark the writing was and just how particular it looked.

"Looks like you got me, Cos..." Alex muttered. "You _are_ in fact too cute and smart for me to use you like that."

. . . . .

"So, pot possession..." Hendrix sighed as she joined Tony and Cosima's card game. She sat down, crossed her legs, and then her arms. Cosima eyed her out of the corners of her eyes as she picked up a card from the deck.

"Yeah?" Cosima replied.

"Three?" Tony asked. Cosima shook her head and he sighed before picking up a card.

"Tell me. How did you get into the drug scene?" Hendrix inquired.

"Jack?" Cosima remarked, to which Tony passed her a card begrudgingly. "I got it in school. Where most people do."

"Why's this important?" Tony asked. "Six?"

"Visitation is today and I want to know how to angle the conversation so my kids don't get into the drug scene."

"You do realize pot isn't a hard drug, right?" Cosima responded, sliding a card over to Tony. "How old are they?"

"Oh, they're still in elementary school," Hendrix replied.

"So you got nothin' to worry about and we can get on with our game peacefully and quietly," Tony told her.

"King?" Cosima inquired. Tony shook his head and Cosima picked up a card, matched it with her own, and set the pair down.

"Do you know how many people have touched those cards?" Hendrix asked, pointing to the ones in Tony's hand.

"Do you know how many fucks I don't give?" Tony answered. "Probably about equal, so they cancel out."

The suburban inmate rolled her eyes at him before getting up and leaving.

"Eh, white Bob Marley!" a familiar voice called out. Cosima looked up and saw the two girls from the other day making their way over. "You playin' poker over there or somethin'?"

"No, just a simple game of Go Fish," Cosima told them.

They stopped and turned in the other direction muttering, "Damn that's one borin' ass game..."

"It really is..." Tony agreed quietly. Cosima nodded and set her cards down.

"How about we just talk then?" Cosima asked. Tony looked down and smirked before looking back up at her.

"Alright..." he sighed. "Tell me about yourself."

Cosima felt completely caught off guard as she'd intended to grill him, but smiled nonetheless.

"What do you wanna know? I was starting university. Going for a PhD in Evolutionary Developmental Biology and then I ended up here," Cosima told him.

"That's a tongue-twister. Evolution... What'd you say it was?" Tony asked.

"Evolutionary Developmental Biology. And you're right. It is a tongue-twister, so we call it Evo-Devo."

"Evo-Devo. Much better," Tony agreed, rising to his feet.

"Where are you going?" Cosima asked curiosly. She'd thought that the conversation had been going well.

"Relax, just gotta get my T," Tony smirked. "If it's that interesting, why don't you come with me?"

"I'll come with you," Cosima told him as she began to follow him out the door. "But only to look around. I don't think I've been down to that part of the prison yet."

"Yeah? Well, you'll soon see why," Tony muttered, turning a corner with Cosima in tow. They walked for a few minutes, passing inmates Cosima had met and others whom she hadn't, until they reached their destination. "Usually a bunch a loonies in here."

"Tony!" a soft voice called out to him as he walked in. "Good to see you."

_Is that a French accent?_ Cosima wondered as she followed him in, only a few seconds behind.

"And who is this?" the doctor asked, holding out a hand to Cosima.

"This is my roommate, Cosima."

"Co-si-ma," the woman tried the name out. The PhD student found her pronunciation endearing and the doctor smiled as she accepted the hand. "E—Nice to meet you."

Cosima saw the woman's eyes sweep over her before coming back up to meet her own.

"I will, um, get you your testosterone," the doctor mumbled shyly and turning away to go find some.

"That's Dr. Cormier," Tony told Cosima with a strange grin on his face.

"She's French," Cosima commented. Tony raised an eyebrow at her.

"And you're a genius," he remarked flatly. "I'm feeling some sapphic vibes off her..."

"What? No. No way," Cosima hurriedly replied with a shake of her head.

"Yeah. And you've for the hots for her, am I right?" Tony knowingly commented. Cosima didn't respond. He smiled smugly and added, "Oh c'mon, Dreadlocks. Don't tell me you're not gay. Everybody's a little gay. Even me."

"We'll see about that," Cosima retorted. Dr. Cormier returned and the brunette closed her mouth.

"Mr. Sawicki, as you know, by law I can only maintain your level of transition..." Dr. Cormier began as she stared at her clipboard. She looked up to look at him before continuing, "But I am willing to increase your dose, if you would like."

"You'd do that?" Tony asked doubtfully. The blonde doctor nodded and gave him a smile.

"Yes," she told him. "Figueroa is out. Caputo is in. Even if it is noticed... He will not say anything. He is good like that."

"Um, who's Figueroa and who's Caputo?" Cosima asked, awkwardly butting in.

"Fig was Head Bitch," Tony responded as he sat himself on the doctor's table. "Caputo Took her place. You cry and you're good. He'll grant all your wishes."

"Okay, that doesn't sound sketchy—"

"He's not like that... As far as I know," Tony cut in as Delphine uncapped the syringe and inserted the needle. A few seconds later, she withdrew the needle from his skin and smiled at him.

"Alright, you're all set."

"Thanks," he responded, sliding off the table. "And I think I will increase it."

"Fantastique. I will remember that next time," Dr. Cormier promised him. She turned to Cosima. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Up Pennastucky's sedatives?" Cosima joked. The three of them laughed before Cosima replied, "No, but I'm good."

"Yes you are," Dr. Cormier murmured, casting a shy glance at her. Cosima's heart pounded as the blonde walked past her to her supply closet and she tried to ignore Tony's impressed expression.

"Get it, Dreadlocks!" Tony teased. Cosima rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"Okay. Maybe."

"Maybe what?"

"Maybe you did catch some sapphic vibes," Cosima admitted.

"You're a scientist. I have a proposition for you," Tony told her strangely. Cosima raised an eyebrow, clearly interested. "Flirt with her or whatever. Ask her to do you a favor or something. Gauge how she reacts. It's an experiment. If we can conclude she's gay—really gay or slightly gay—you have to make my bed every day for the next week."

"And do you have to do if I win and we conclude she's straight?" Cosima asked.

"Any chore of your choice," Tony offered.

"Do I have to pick now?" Cosima inquired. Tony shook his head. "So I can call this favor in whenever."

"Basically," he nodded. Cosima grinned devilishly.

"You're on."

"What makes you so sure you're going to win?" Tony asked and Cosima shrugged.

"I saw a picture of her with some guy on her desk. Told you I only came to look around," Cosima replied.

"Could be a friend..."

"Oh yeah because everybody locks lips with their friends," Cosima responded sarcastically. The doctor came back and the two immediately stiffened and looked at her.

"Are you both okay?" the Frenchie asked as she stopped behind the doctor's table. Cosima suddenly sprang to life and walked over to the table with a scintillating grin.

"Actually, _no_..." Cosima sighed, leaning over the table and facing the doctor.

"No? You were fine a minute ago," Dr. Cormier responded, looking concerned.

"See, that's the thing..." Cosima sighed again, looking as pathetic as possible. "It's a little _embarrassing_..."

"There is nothing I haven't seen," the doctor assured her. Cosima perked up and grinned again.

"Great! I have a rash..." Cosima explained, her eyes looking over at Tony.

"A rash. Okay."

"I don't know if it's some allergic reaction or what, but it's bugging me..." Cosima went on. The doctor nodded. "It's on my back... Do you think you could take a look?"

"Of course," the blonde nodded again. "You'll need to take off your shirt... I don't know if you want Tony seeing you, um, well, exposed..."

"It's okay. Nothing he hasn't seen before," Cosima responded with a wink. She slipped her own shirt off with ease and made sure to gaze into the doctor's eyes as she did. "What'd you same your first name was, Dr. Cormier?"

"Delphine," the blonde responded distractedly as she stared at Cosima's body.

"Do you want me to turn around? The rash is on my back..." Cosima reminded her with a smirk.

"Yes. I was checking for scarring," Delphine responded quickly.

"So, _Delphine_... Tell me something," Cosima requested, watching the woman out of the corner of her eye.

"Hm?"

"How do you say... 'I like your hair' in French?" Cosima asked.

Delphine paused a moment and told her, "J'aime tes cheveux."

"Ooh, cool..." Cosima trailed off.

"You don't appear to have a rash..." Delphine concluded. "Are you sure that's what was bothering you or is it something else?"

"Yeah. I um... I need to go to the bathroom," Cosima told her.

"Then go—"

"But I _can't_," Cosima finished with a sly glance at Tony, who'd slouched back and watched with amusement. "Got any laxatives?"

"I might. I'd have to check," the blonde explained, going back to the closet. Cosima daringly followed her and Tony got up out of his seat to peer after them.

"Hey, Delphine..." Cosima whispered from behind the doctor. The blonde turned around and found the brunette only about a foot away, still shirtless. "How do you say 'You're beautiful' in French?"

Delphine opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. Cosima smiled and made the gap between them about six inches.

"'Tu es jolie' or something like that?" Cosima asked, cocking her head at the blonde. "But for you I think it'd be... Tu es _très_ belle."

Delphine's open mouth remained silent as she tried to formulate a response and after a few moments of thinking all she could come out with was, "You know French?"

"I do. I spent some time in Paris," Cosima admitted, watching her face. Delphine only stared at her in awe. Cosima smirked and asked, "Laxatives?"

"Right, right..." Delphine murmured, slowly turning back around. Within seconds she found them and took two to give to Cosima. "In retrospect, one is probably enough—"

"Hey, could you maybe give me like, say... I don't know, four more? You know, two for every meal of the day?" Cosima asked angelically. "I'll take these now if it makes you feel better..."

Delphine sighed and against her better judgment, gave the inmate four more.

"Don't ask me again," Delphine scolded softly. Cosima grinned brilliantly and strutted back out toward Tony and held them up before Delphine returned.

"Looks like you'll be changing my sheets, thank you very much," Tony remarked.

"I don't even care because I think she likes me," Cosima responded.

"Well, what's not to like? You're smart and, well look at you," Tony gestured to Cosima. "You're hot."

"Alright you two," the doctor sighed, emerging from the closet in the back. "Cosima, please put your shirt back on."

"Is it bothering you?" Cosima asked, picking it up and slipping it back on. The doctor didn't answer.

"We're going, we're going..." Tony muttered, grabbing Cosima and leaving. He searched her once they were safely outside of the doctor's earshot and asked, "What'd you do with the pills? Don't tell me you're gonna shit on my bed for revenge. I'll kill you."

"Nope. I got something else in mind..." Cosima replied with a shit-eating grin.


	9. Chapter 9: You Want Me to Gay-stimate

"Niehaus," Mendez sharply blurted as the brunette walked by. She jumped and then turned around with an annoyed look.

"What?" she asked irritatedly.

"You've been summoned by the doctor," he answered, never once lowering his voice despite being a few yards away and within hearing distance.

"Thanks," Cosima responded, turning back around.

"Do you need me to escort you?" the C.O. asked forcefully. The dreadlocked girl shook her head as it was only a hallway away, but he galloped over to her and replied, "I think you do need me to escort you."

"Fine. Whatever suits you," Cosima huffed, picking up her pace.

"What is that, rope?" he asked, taking one of her dreads in his hands. She whacked his hand away angrily and he shouted, "Shot!"

"Excuse me?"

"For assaulting an officer!" he yelled.

"_You_ touched _me!_" Cosima argued.

"Don't make me put you in SHU, inmate. You're lucky it's only a shot."

"Okay. I'm escorted," Cosima snapped once they'd reached the doorway. "You can go now."

"I can leave when I want to," Mendez responded, putting his hands on his hips and glowering at her menacingly.

"Thank you, officer. I can take it from here," Delphine told him as she shooed him away. She waited until he rounded the corner to speak again. "Ms. Niehaus, I must ask you a question."

"Yeah?"

"How have your bowel movements been?" Delphine asked, studying the girl's face intently.

"Fine."

"Really? Because just the other day I had an inmate come in with a serious case of diarrhea. Tiffany Doggett, in fact."

"Hm. Yeah, I don't know a Tiffany Doggett," Cosima told the doctor's scrutinizing eyes before turning to walk away. The doctor's eyebrows pulled together as she thought. No way could she have gotten it wrong and no way was it a coincidence.

"You don't, hm?" Delphine asked skeptically, catching Cosima's attention once again. "My apologies, some people call her... _Pennsatucky_."

Cosima froze and turned back around to look at the blonde, who wore a knowing expression.

"You wouldn't have happened to give her those laxatives I gave you, would you?" the Frenchie asked. Cosima shook her head innocently. "_No?_"

Delphine leaned in closer and looked down at the shorter woman with inquisitive eyes. Cosima could just barely feel her warm breath against her face as she held hers and it felt as if time had stopped and her heart ceased to beat.

"N-No. I mean, I mighta left 'em lying around, but I didn't know she'd take pills that pretty much have 'Laxative' printed on 'em..." Cosima remarked coyly, fearlessly staring back into the doctors hazel eyes.

"Cosima, I'll have you know I did some digging and just the other day Tony had been involved in some sort of altercation with Doggett," Delphine informed her, waiting to see if anything passed over Cosima's face. Nothing had so she continued. "And you were a witness... It just seems suspicious to me."

"Well, if you did some digging, you'll also know that the bitch called him a bearded lady. And an abomination among other things," Cosima countered, tilting her head at the doctor.

"Cosima..."

"I just figured she'd get tired of her plumbing malfunctioning."

"Her plumbing?"

"Yeah. It seems all her shit comes out her mouth. Just thought I'd set her straight," Cosima explained levelheadedly. She saw the doctor suppress a giggle and she knew she'd won. "Delphine—Dr. Cormier—without any real proof, you can't pin this on me. And why would an inmate have six laxatives in her possession?"

"Perhaps it was a virus," Dr. Cormier remarked with a tone of certainty. "I'm thinking maybe Doggett had a virus."

"Good choice," Cosima smiled at her before waving on her way out.

"You're cheeky," the Frenchie called after her.

"I know!" Cosima called back before returning to her sector.

"Niehaus," Hendrix remarked as she saw her come in. The woman made her way over to the girl with glasses and managed a pleasant but thin smile.

"Hendrix," Cosima responded, wondering what the suburban woman wanted.

"Please. Call me Alison," she said.

"Okay, Alison."

"It just makes it feel more homey in here... Going by first names, I mean."

"Alison, this is prison, yeah? It's never gonna feel like home!" Manning snapped, standing up to meet eyes with Cosima. "Sarah. Sarah Manning."

"Cosima," the dreadlocked replied politely. She looked at Alison and asked, "What did you want?"

"Just to get to know you. We're neighbors it seems, so I figured it'd be appropriate to get to know you," Alison explained. Cosima saw Sarah roll her eyes.

"We are hardly a community," a woman's poshly accented voice stated. She had an English lilt, but far less noticeable than Sarah's. Cosima looked to see who it'd come from and came eye to eyepatch with Duncan. "Rachel Duncan."

"You sure are," Cosima replied.

"Hey, Four-Eyes!" Tony greeted Cosima. He looked at Rachel and said, "One-Eye."

Rachel's right eye glared at him and he smirked. Alison shifted uncomfortably as Sarah sat down looking annoyed as ever to see the blonde.

"I'm here to come to terms with Sarah," Duncan stated.

"Oh my God, Rachel, stop!" Manning groaned, covering her eyes with her right hand. All fell silent as they watched the quiet Ukrainian approach the group and Cosima saw everyone collectively tense up once she stopped. She was feared, that much was obvious.

"_Sestra_..." she mumbled unconfidently. "Is she bothering you?"

"Yeah, she's bothering me..." Sarah sighed. "But I doubt there's anything you can do about it."

"What does '_sestra_' mean anyway?" Alison asked, fiddling with her hair. "Does anybody know?"

Helena shuffled over to Rachel fearlessly and looked her right in the eye.

"You bother _moya sestra_ again, I make eyes match," she growled. She turned and saw Sarah. "Hello, _sestra_."

"Helena, please leave me alone..." Sarah grumbled. "My God..."

"Hey, Helena?" Cosima tried, figuring she wouldn't have any more luck than the others. The blonde Ukrainian looked at her. "Hi. My name's Cosima. Or Niehaus, whichever you prefer. I think you're beautiful."

"Eh, I doubt trying to woo her is gonna do anything," Nicky snorted as she approached. Cosima shot her a look.

"I'm not trying to woo her," Cosima told her.

"I like your hairs..." Helena pointed awkwardly to Cosima's dreads.

"Yeah? You wanna touch 'em?" Cosima offered, picking one up and holding it out to the Ukrainian. "I like your hairs too."

Helena ran her fingers over the dread gently and smiled at the contact.

"Jesus Christ..." Nicky murmured.

"Sarah, I came to see if you'll be my... _prison wife_," Rachel stated, her disdain leaking onto the last couple words of her sentence. Sarah shook her head and ran her hand through her hair.

"No. No. I already told you, I'm not gonna be your prison wife. Stop askin' me."

"I can assure you that there will be benefits—" Rachel started.

"Oooooh!" Nicky put in, covering her mouth with her hand.

"—not those, you wretched, _insufferable_ pervert!" Rachel snapped furiously. She recomposed herself within seconds and asked Sarah calmly, "What do you say?"

"My answer stays the same," Sarah told her firmly. "No means no."

"Very well," Rachel replied coolly. "Perhaps you will change your mind by tomorrow when I ask again."

Rachel left quietly and returned to her own cube.

"We're gonna be good friends, okay?" Cosima promised Helena. "You should sit with me at lunch."

"We will talk. And eat," Helena remarked. Cosima took it as an agreement and nodded her head to confirm. "I see you later. Have pig to catch."

Helena disappeared too, leaving the others speechless.

"How the hell'd you do that?" Nicky asked. "I've never even heard her talk before."

"Ya want a spot o' tea?" Childs asked Sarah, seeming to pop out of nowhere. Her eyes scanned around until she saw the top of Cosima's head. "Niehaus. Been lookin' for you."

"Why?" Cosima asked. "Come on over—"

"Do not!" Tony stopped, realizing it was too late, and let the rest of the sentence trail off. "Invite her over here..."

"Sorry," Cosima mouthed as Childs came over.

"If you—" Tony started.

"I know, I know. If I put so much as the tip of one of my toes in here, you swear to God," Beth remarked impatiently. "Niehaus, I got a question for you."

"Alright. Shoot."

"Can I talk to you alone?" Childs asked.

"Do I have to get up?" Cosima responded. Tony looked at her and then at Childs.

"Well I surely am not getting up," Tony told them before rolling over again and staring at the wall. Childs peeked at Tony, who lay like a stone, and stretched in to grab Cosima by the shirt and yank her up—all while keeping her own toes outside of the cube.

The PhD student, unready to react to sudden movement and force, was pulled out and stood face to face with Childs.

"Hi. Beth," Childs informed her. Cosima couldn't tell if her tone sounded friendly or formal, but she smiled nonetheless.

"Cosima," the dreadlocked girl stated, though she was sure the ex-cop already knew. "What is it that you needed to talk to me about?"

"I wanted you to know that I didn't shoot the woman on purpose," Beth confessed solemnly. "Morello always tells people I shot a woman and she never mentions that it was accidental... I look like a bad cop."

"Well are you?" Cosima asked. Beth hung her head before meeting Cosima's curious gaze again.

"Yeah. I was," the ex-cop nodded. "But the shooting was accidental. I swear."

"What happened?" the college student asked.

"Long story. But I was... I panicked and shot the woman. And then I avoided a hearing and when confronted by it, attempted suicide. And then, to make things worse, I choked at the next hearing... It was a mess—I was a mess," the ex-cop admitted. She looked over at the suburban convict before she added, "But I'm getting better now. If I ever want my life to amount to anything, I need to get myself oriented and set my priorities."

Cosima's eyes went to Alison too and she saw her reading a book. Her gaze then returned to Beth, whose eyes studied the floor. The next time Cosima went to look at Alison, she made eye contact and quickly looked back to Beth, who she found staring at her. She suddenly put two and two together and started grinning madly. Beth's eyes widened as she realized that Cosima had figured something about her out.

"Nerdhaus, don't you _dare_..." Beth started. Cosima's eyebrows went up at the defensive nickname and she started laughing.

"Oh my God. You— oh my _God!_" she exclaimed.

"Nerdhaus, just shut the fuck up!" the ex-cop snapped, hoping the girl would just stop her antics altogether. She grabbed Cosima by the front of her collar and pulled her in real close before growling, "If you tell a single soul about this... I'll _kill_ you."

"I'm sorry!" Cosima apologized, her laughter subsiding. "I'm sorry."

"Fuck you, _Nerdhaus_—"

"No! Wait!" Cosima grabbed the fleeing ex-cop by the arm. "Wait. I'm sorry. I just... I was caught off-guard by your choice of um... Love? I guess?"

Beth glared at her.

"I said I was sorry!" Cosima whispered shrilly. "Look, what'd you need to ask me?"

"I've never—" Beth stepped closer and dropped her tone. "I've never loved... a woman before. And um... You look like you have. I mean, don't think no one's seen your flirtationship with the doctor... And I just— I don't know—"

"Wanted to ask me for some tips?" Cosima finished with a genuine smile. Beth looked down shyly. "Look, there's nothing I can really tell you—"

"Bullshit, there's gotta be something."

"Um, well, do you know if Alison's um... Like, does she swing that way?" Cosima asked. Beth's eyes darted to meet her gaze and they looked panicked. "You don't know, do you?"

Beth shook her head and said, "Maybe you could find out for me?"

"Uh, no. I'm not gonna be that person."

"What person?"

"The person who is in between everything. That person."

"I'd rather think of you as my wingman," Beth countered. "Please, Nerdhaus? I said please."

"And how am I supposed to do that, exactly? Just waltz up to her and ask, 'Oh, by the way, I know I just met you and stuff and this may be kinda sudden or personal, but... Are you gay?"

"No! No, of course not. I just... Figured you had some kind of radar for that."

"Gaydar?" Cosima smirked. The ex-cop's eyes looked even more panicked and Cosima wondered what she'd said to set her off.

"There's a term for it?" Beth asked nervously.

"Oh yeah. There's a whole instruction manual for it. How to be Gay for Dummies," Cosima told her seriously. "It's like a ten-step guide. The first chapter is simply how to act, the second is what to look out for in potential gays, how to treat your gay mate, how to determine if your gay mate is your gay soulmate... All that stuff. You're really behind."

Beth stood speechless and Cosima waited a few seconds to see if she'd get a reaction. None.

"Beth, I'm kidding," Cosima told her. Beth instantly reanimated and scowled.

"Fuck you. Are you gonna help me or not?"

"Fine..." Cosima sighed melodramatically. "But in exchange for a favor."

"Name it."

"I don't have anything specific yet," Cosima admitted, "but I'll let you know when I do."

"Fair enough, Nerdhaus. Now go work your magic."

"Wait, you want me to gay-stimate her level of gay right now?" Cosima asked.

"I wanna see you at work, Nerdhaus. Just a sample and I'll leave you alone. From what Tony's been saying, you're a real casanova."

"Tony talks about me?"

"Sure does. Now you gonna go test her out or?"

"Oh my God. Do not say that. That sounds wrong on so many levels..." Cosima complained as she made her way toward Alison. "On my way as we speak."

Alison looked up from her book at the sight of motion in her peripheral vision and smiled at Cosima.

"Hello, Cosima."

"Hey, Alison. May I talk to you?" Cosima asked, tracing a finger along the surface of the divider. Alison looked around before nodding reluctantly.

"Sure. Okay."

"Great. So, Alison, what're you reading?" Cosima asked, leaning over and staring into the woman's oblivious eyes. "Mind if I take a look?"

The dreadlocked girl sauntered into Alison and Sarah's space and sat down near the suburban woman and allowed her eyes to wander around the area, scoping out any clues.

"Ooh, _Pride and Prejudice_. A classic," Cosima commented as she read the book's title. "That's by um... Jane Austen, right?"

"Yes," Alison replied, checking the cover just in case.

"I don't know... What do you think of Elizabeth Bennet and Darcy? I don't know, personally people were snobs... People love who they love."

"Did you read this book?" the woman inquired. Cosima grinned and shook her head, feigning shame.

"No I did not," she admitted. "But how about you read it for me and tell me what it's about?"

"Or you could borrow it from me when I'm done..." Alison hinted.

"Ooh, shot down..." Tony murmured only loud enough for Cosima to hear. She ignored him and tapped her on the knee lightly with her hand as she stood up.

"No thanks... It was a pleasure talking to you, Alison. Maybe we can do this again sometime?" Cosima asked.

Alison nodded and replied, "Sure."

"Great," Cosima brightened as she turned and walked back to the ex-cop.

"Well?"

"Well, you can't judge a person and determine their orientation," Cosima told her. "To me, she seems straight as a board, but that could mean jack. I hustled you for a favor and now you owe me one without any real info except for the fact that she likes _Pride and Prejudice_—yuck."

"Nerdhaus..."

"Look. The only tip I have for you is don't be nervous. You know how you want to love her and in time, you'll know exactly how she wants to be loved. It's new with anyone and everyone you enter a relationship with... Just go with your gut, Childs. If you screw up, you screw up. Say you're sorry and make it up to her. And then try to move forward if possible. Just like any other relationship. There's nothing different. It's just two people loving each other. And that's all that really matters, right?"

"Right..." Beth murmured.

"Okay, so whenever you're ready... Just go with the flow. Take it slow and take your time. That's all we have in here anyway... Time."

"Nerdhaus. You may have hustled me for a favor, but I just got good advice anyway," Beth told her gratefully, though she never explicitly thanked her.

"I hope it works out," Cosima told her. "Love can be great. But it can also have its challenges."

. . .

"You told me I wouldn't carry a case. You promised me and then you left it with me with the address? How is that not implying that I take it and deliver it?" Cosima asked the woman. Alex only shrugged, seemingly unfazed by her rage. "You don't know?"

"Well, I came back and it was still here. And you'd gone off to who knows where so did you actually deliver it? No. So I don't see the problem here," Alex responded.

"When we first met you said you wouldn't even try anything like that," Cosima added.

"I'm sorry, Cos. I got stressed and I didn't know what to do. It won't happen again," the raven-haired woman apologized.

"No, it won't."

"Cos, I wanna take you out," Alex stated hopefully. "I know you already went out. But I wanna take you to a little market. It's full of stuff I'm sure you'll like. Scarves and other little trinkets and stuff. We could just walk around or pop inside some nearby shops. Sound good?"

Cosima broke down and replied, "Sure."

"Great. Get yourself ready and we'll go."


	10. Chapter 10: Mon Dieu

"See, I always liked _Hansel and Gretel_," Morello commented as she leaned with her arms on the cafeteria table. "Somethin' about a house made completely o' candy always appealed to me."

"And the kid-eating witch never worried you?" Nicky asked, knitting her brows at her friend. "I liked that story too, but I liked it 'cause of the witch. I always wondered what the hell we taste like. Are we like steak? Are we like pork? I'll never know! 'Less I wanna end up back in here charged with cannibalism or somethin'..."

"Eyes squish easily like grape," Helena put in as she ravenously stuffed her mouth with bread. "And fingers like carrot."

"Good to know..." Nicky murmured, staring at her. Helena nodded, seemingly happy with herself for contributing to the conversation.

"I don't even wanna _know_ why you know that," Sarah told the Ukrainian.

"I think we'd be salty," Morello replied. "I mean, our sweat is salty so why wouldn't we be?"

"Basin' your assumption on your knowledge of our bodily fluids ain't exactly a good way to go to guess our taste," Nicky responded with an eye roll.

"Oh yeah? And how do you know that?"

"Because we'd have to factor in the taste of our urine and our shit," Nicky argued. Morello blinked a few times and thought this over before deciding the woman was right.

"Good point," she nodded. "Very good point."

"Girls, we're eating..." Alison reminded them. They stared at her neatly divided food and the napkin on her lap.

"Who said she could sit here?" Nicky asked, half-joking and half-not. Cosima gave her a look before admitting.

"I did."

"Oh. Then that's alright I guess," Nicky replied, taking her spork with mashed potatoes on it and setting it up like a catapult in Alison's direction. "Eh, Morello. Get Childs' attention. She'll wanna see this."

Morello went and poked Yoga Jones, who sat diagonally from Beth and asked her to get the ex-cop's attention.

"I don't think that's such a—" Cosima stopped as she witnessed the sporkful of potatoes land on Alison's chest. The dreadlocked girl's jaw dropped as she couldn't believe Nicky had just done that. Alison's mouth opened and when she looked up, the only person looking back at her was Yoga Jones. Not Morello, who'd taken a sudden interest in the ceiling. Not Nichols, who'd taken a sudden interest in tying her shoe. And not Niehaus, who was clearly as surprised. Yoga Jones, the damn yoga instructor.

"Why?" Alison snapped at the innocent older woman. "_Why?_"

"Why what?" Yoga Jones asked before noticing the mashed potatoes. Her eyes widened and they went back up to see Alison's furious orbs. "You have some—"

"I know!" Alison blurted. "I know! Is this because of the yoga thing?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Is it because I hate yoga? I hate yoga and you've decided to punish me by pelting me with potatoes?" Alison inquired angrily. "I've had enough of this place and enough of you staring at me and trying to mentally will me into doing yoga. I'm not going to get sucked up in your yoga agenda."

"My what?"

"Eff you!" Alison replied. "Eff all of you, but especially eff yoga. I _HATE_ YOGA!"

The suburban convict took a handful of peas and made her way over to the poor woman and just as she was about to dump them on her, Cosima tripped her and moved her hand so they landed on Nicky instead.

"Oh, you little shit!" Nicky hissed amusedly to Cosima. "It's on."

Within minutes the entire cafeteria had exploded into a battle ground to host the food fight that'd ensued. The only one who seemed to enjoy it was Helena who'd curled up under a table laughing hysterically as more portions of food practically landed in her lap.

"Shouldn't have done that, Niehaus!" Nicky shouted, launching more potatoes at her.

"You framed Jones!" Cosima countered, dodging the mass.

"Nah, I told Morello to get Childs. It's her fault. So you pea'd me for nothin'!"

"INMATES! CEASEFIRE _IMMEDIATELY_!" Officer Mendez shouted, his voice accidentally cracking on the last word. He strutted up and down the aisles, avoiding food splatters as best he could. "Now, I oughta write you all up. Or throw you in SHU. But me bein' the nice guy I am, I won't. If you tell me who started it."

The man eyed all the food-covered women suspiciously, his glare lingering along each one's chest.

"Niehaus!" he yelled. "You're smart. Tell me which one of these inmates started it."

"Sir, I can honestly say I have no idea. Besides... I don't have very good peripheral vision. Glasses," she reminded him, pointing to the ones on her face. Mendez looked perplexed as he walked around a bit more, studying the woman a little too closely. He stopped in front of a table, squatted and stared at the blonde Ukrainian underneath it menacingly.

"What the hell are you doing under there?" he snapped at her. If she had a reaction, she didn't show it as she continued eating the food around her. He reached his hand under the table and yanked her by the shoulder until she stood in front of him. "Answer me, inmate."

Still no reply.

"S'it safe to assume that you started this?" he pressed. Still the blonde refused to answer. The C.O. grew frustrated with her silence and shook her. "I asked you a question, inmate."

The Ukrainian continued to ignore him and stared around the silent room, as if nothing had happened at all.

"That's it. I'm takin' you to SHU," he growled, taking her by the arm and dragging her out of the cafeteria. He called behind him and ordered, "Everybody to your cells. _Now_!"

Two more correctional officers appeared to ensure that the prisoners returned to their cells and waited until they cleared out.

"How dare you cover for her?" Alison asked, coming up from behind Cosima. The student jumped and stared at her.

"Cover for who?" Cosima asked.

"_Whom_," Alison corrected her. Cosima rolled her eyes.

"My major wasn't English—"

"And I mean Jones," Alison told her, hatred accenting the woman's name. "She clearly started it. I saw it with my own two eyes."

"Maybe it was Beth telling you she likes you," Cosima offered, watching the woman's reaction. Alison's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"What?" the suburban convict asked.

"What?" Cosima echoed, only piling on more confusion.

Alison squinted and said, "I thought you just—never mind."

"Alison, I got a question for you. It's probably going to be awkward, but bear with me."

"No, the woman's head didn't pop off, alright? I may have spread that rumor myself so no one would mess with me," Alison told her quickly. Cosima gawked at her. "I know, that's stupid."

"No, that's um... That's... That's... something... And not what I was going to ask you," Cosima recovered from the sudden confession.

Alison sighed and asked, "What is it then? Out with it."

"This is totally high school of me, but... what if I told you that someone we both know li—"

Cosima's question was cut short as a hand yanked her backward. She turned and met Beth's glare and chuckled.

"You think that's funny, Nerdhaus?"

"You wanted me to ask—"

"Not like that! For fuck's sake I thought you were a PhD student!"

"Yeah and?"

"Subtlety is highly appreciated."

"Look, I'm not gonna flirt with your potential prison wife, okay? Just go after her yourself. Realness is golden, Childs. Remember that."

"Alright. Yeah. Realness," Beth muttered as if she were talking herself up. Cosima gestured to Alison's side.

"Destiny awaits," she encouraged. Beth launched herself toward the woman, pumped up and ready to go, but as soon as Alison looked at her, she lost it.

"Hi," Beth smiled shyly, making sure to avoid eye contact as she knew it'd render her speechless.

"Hello, Childs."

The ex-cop looked back at Cosima for help. The girl pointed at her, cocked her head and put her hand on her chin as if she were deep in thought and Beth turned back around.

"So, Alison. May I call you Ali?" Beth asked, watching Cosima out of the corner of her eye and receiving a thumbs up. She looked back at Alison and threw her a blinding grin.

"Sure, as long as I can call you Beth," Alison smiled pleasantly back. Beth nodded and kept her grin.

"Yeah, Beth's fine."

An awkward pause ensued and Beth panicked. She hadn't thought this far and her mind raced as it tried to compensate.

"Beth's great, you see... I completely agree with you about the whole first name basis thingy making prison feel more homey," Beth remarked. "It takes away the formality..."

"I'm so glad you think so," Alison replied, hoping she didn't sound too excited. She didn't want to freak the woman out.

"Sucks that lunch ended so early..." Beth commented as they approached their cubicles.

"I wasn't too hungry anyway," Alison responded, walking into her space.

"Me neither. Maybe you could join me later?" Beth suggested. "I may or may not have some snacks stashed somewhere."

"That depends... Are you going to throw them at me?" Alison asked.

"What? Ali, no... I'd never do that," Beth answered. "Honest. Unless you're into that."

The two stared at each other before bursting out laughing.

"No, I'm not into that," Alison chuckled.

"Oh good, me neither..." Beth trailed off before adding, "But I'm into _you_."

"I—uh... What?" Alison asked, scrunching her face up in confusion. She wasn't sure she'd heard the woman correctly. Beth only stared intently back at her, knowing the woman knew exactly what she'd said. "Beth, I—"

"Inmate, I said in your cells!" Mendez shouted at Beth. "Just 'cause you used to be a cop doesn't mean you're better than me, I'm in charge now and I said in your cell."

Beth gave Alison an apologetic look before reluctantly retreating to her cell, trying not to think about Alison's reaction to her statement. While she hadn't completely freaked, Beth couldn't really say she was overly thrilled either.

"Dude, points on suave delivery," Cosima whispered to her as Beth walked by.

"Silence," Mendez scolded her. Cosima rolled her eyes, but kept quiet as she shuffled into her territory to find Tony lying on his cot.

"What the hell happened at lunch?" Tony asked, staring at her. "You _reek_."

"Thanks. There was a food fight—you weren't there?"

"No, I try to avoid that shit... You know, play hide and seek with the C.O.s and mooch off snacks wherever I can get 'em. You ask Dr. Cormier for some, she'll—"

"I-said-shut-_up!_" Mendez yelled. "That means you."

Tony silenced himself.

"Nobody leaves until someone tells me the origin of the food fight. Are we clear?"

"Sir, you can't do that—" Yoga Jones protested. Mendez glared at her, causing her to stop short.

"I can if I damn well please."

"Man, can I go to the bathroom?" Tony asked, standing up.

"There ain't no men's rooms here," Mendez snorted condescendingly, gawking at him.

Tony looked around and asked, "Was that supposed to be a dig?"

Mendez realized it really hadn't been too offensive and opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't think of anything to say.

"Make it quick," Mendez muttered, turning his back. Cosima took the opportunity to follow Tony out, knowing that the bathroom was not his intended destination.

"Where are you actually going?" she asked.

"Doctor's. And I recommend you go down too... You need to get rid of that stench before you can come back and live alongside me," Tony joked.

"Fair enough," Cosima agreed. They rounded the corner and approached the office.

"Hey, but if you can still make her swoon smelling like that... I'll let ya force one of your chores on me. Sound like a deal?"

"Are you that confident that this scent isn't an aphrodisiac?"

"Hell yeah," Tony replied with a shake of his head as he walked through the door.

"Tony, good to see you again," Delphine greeted him as per usual. Cosima saw her scrunch up her nose through the window. "What is that smell?"

"Your girlfriend," Tony teased, cueing Cosima to come in. The PhD student reluctantly entered and tried not to noticed the doctor move her rolling chair a few feet back.

"Ms. Niehaus... Oh _my_," Delphine murmured, standing up.

"I'm trying a new scent. What do you think?" Cosima forced a laugh.

"Well, I..."

"There was a food fight. Gotta love prison," Cosima explained.

"Is it safe to assume you started that too?" Delphine asked, recalling the laxative incident.

"Yeah... I guess I technically did," Cosima admitted, stepping away from the two of them.

"Look... I have a shower in the back. Strictly for personnel, but..." Delphine swallowed hard and tried to breathe shallowly. "For you I think I can make an exception this one time."

"Really? I—"

"Just go," Delphine urged, making a pushing motion with the back of her hand. "Please."

Tony chuckled as Cosima disappeared and he sat with the doctor.

"Why don't you smell?"

"Wasn't there."

"You know you're not due for—"

"I know," he smiled kindly. "Just didn't feel like staying in my cell."

"I understand that strangely," Delphine remarked. "I stay in my office most of the time. It gets lonely. And with Mendez skulking around the hallways..."

"No, I getcha. That guy's a creep."

"How much time do you have left?"

"A month or two... I think time's slowed down rather than sped up."

"I could imagine so."

"Yeah, but whatever. Did my time. Once I'm out, I'm out."

"Any plans?"

"Work on cars maybe. I don't know. I gotta visit someone," Tony smiled at the memory. "I promised her."

"Oh a girlfriend?"

"No, just a friend. Cosima," he stated. The doctor nodded and smiled shyly.

"She got to you as well?" Delphine asked. Tony grinned once again and nodded his reply. "She seems to be quite contagious."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Tony asked.

"I suppose. In some aspects."

"Well, yeah. I mean if you're tryin' to get a girlfriend and she starts flirting with your girl..."

"Are you talking out of experience?"

"Nah. Only known her since she got here. But you know that ex-cop? She's tryna figure out if Hendrix is at all a little gay. I mean, this's prison. Everybody's a little gay," Tony stated. "Anyway, the ex-cop sent Cosima to pursue Hendrix and the whole thing was just comical—"

"She was flirting with Hendrix?" Delphine asked, carefully controlling her tone.

"Yeah. I mean, she got shot down pretty fast, but still... Yeah."

"Hm."

Tony watched the doctor's face, which seemed strained and suppressive and smiled to himself about it. The doctor was indeed jealous.

"It didn't mean anything," Tony told her certainly. Delphine shook her head.

"I'm sure it didn't," she replied. "Who am I to stick my nose in inmate business anyway?"

"Doctor..." Tony trailed off. "It was simply for the sake of an experiment. Don't take it personally."

"Why would I take it personally?" Delphine asked, adding a forced smile.

"Uh, I don't know... I was just..." Tony stopped.

"No matter," Delphine told him. "Is there anything else you need?"

"No..."

"Alright. I will be in my office if either of you need me, for any reason."

"Thanks... Dr. Cormier."

Delphine retreated to her office and closed the door, but not all the way, leaving it cracked and sat down at her desk. Tony sat in silence for about seven minutes until he heard the water stop.

"Uh, where're the towels?" Cosima asked. Delphine looked up from whatever she was doing and answered her, but even Tony couldn't hear what she'd said. "What?"

He saw Delphine sigh and get up from the desk before opening the door and walking out to find the towels for Cosima.

"Cosima, they're—" Delphine stopped immediately upon seeing the bare girl digging through her towels closet.

"Never mind, Delphine. I got 'em—whoops," Cosima responded, finally noticing Delphine standing only about two feet away.

"Mon dieu..." Delphine murmured, putting a hand to her forehead and covering her eyes. "_Merde_."

"Hey, I didn't know you were gonna come back here so technically it's my fault—" Cosima paused and watched the doctor turn around and stare at the wall ahead.

"Non, non... Je—I... It's fine. Um... Nothing I haven't seen before," Delphine muttered, still focusing the the damn wall. "You just... caught me off-guard."

"Delphine—" Cosima started as she wrapped herself in a towel.

"Can I ask you something?" Delphine asked, turning to face the girl so she could look her in the eye.

"Oh, uh, sure. What is it?"

"Why did you flirt with me like that?"

"Excuse me?"

"Only to turn around and flirt with Alison Hendrix?" Delphine continued.

"Uh, what?"

"Don't play coy, Cosima. I've heard about your little antics," Delphine continued, stepping closer.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about."

Delphine raised an eyebrow at the dreadlocked girl and put her hands on her hips.

"Look, I didn't know it'd bother you so much," Cosima admitted. "It was all in good fun. Besides, she was meant for Childs. Not me. I was rejected in the first few seconds of the conversation."

"Well, you're not supposed to flirt when you've already—" Delphine cut herself off, incredulous to what she'd been about to say.

"When I've already..." Cosima urged.

"...made an investment in someone else," Delphine softly finished.

"And that someone else is?" Cosima asked, stepping closer to the doctor, wanting to hear her say it.

"Me," Delphine admitted.

"I thought you had a boyfriend or something," Cosima mentioned casually as she went to look for a change of clothes. She saw spare uniforms and took them without asking.

"No, no. I do not. I did, but then I came here."

"America?"

"No, the prison. He did not want to date a girl in a prison," Delphine clarified softly. "And if you thought I had a boyfriend..."

"I don't know. I like you, can you blame me?" Cosima answered.

"Cosima, I cannot—"

"I know. So, I guess this should be my last visit. Until I get sick or something," Cosima nodded.

"I am afraid so..." Delphine replied, motioning for Cosima to walk in front of her. The girl crossed over and walked back out to see Tony sitting there with a grin on his face.

"Cosima, Cosima, Cosima..." he murmured. "How _do_ you do it?"

"The correctional officers probably want you back," the doctor remarked lightly and the pair nodded. "Tony, I shall see you later. Cosima... Until next time."


	11. Chapter 11: I'm Going to Electrocute You

. . .

"Who the hell are you?" the police officer asked her. Cosima's eyes showed no fear as she stared him straight in the eye.

"Cosima Niehaus. Who the hell—"

"Cosima Niehaus, you are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent when questioned. Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to consult an attorney..."

The man droned on and on as he cuffed her and led her to the car. All the while she cursed Alex for not being there with her. She must've known they'd come for them and so she avoided it. Cosima clenched her jaw shut angrily as the man finished talking and tucked her away into the backseat of the car.

"Do you understand?"

"Yes," Cosima told him, rolling her eyes as he slammed the door shut. She muttered to herself, "Fuck you, Alex."

The police man and his partner got into the front seat before he started driving. All the while, she cursed Alex for not being there with her.

And once they'd reached the precinct and interrogated the college student to death, she'd plead guilty. All the while cursing Alex for not being there with her.

And even when she'd made it to court with her claim and was sentenced with about a year, she'd cursed Alex for not being there with her.

By the time Cosima had made it to prison, she'd cursed Alex enough times and decided she was through with her. Which would be good, because she'd probably never see the bitch again. Alex had disappeared and evaded arrest, leaving her supposed girlfriend behind. Cosima would never have to deal with her again, never have to see her again. At least, not until today.

. . . . .

"I got assigned to a job," Cosima complained. "I don't know how wiring works. I didn't intend on becoming an electrician!"

"I work laundry," Alison replied. "Just like I did at home. Nothing new, except the smells."

"Okay, that's gross. I didn't need to hear that," Tony responded. He turned to look at Cosima. "They probably put you there 'cause you're smart."

"And what benefit is there to that if I don't know how to do anything?" Cosima asked.

"You could always, you know, 'accidentally' zap yourself and see the doc..." Tony hinted.

"That'd be great, but I'm pretty sure my little stunt with Alison ended whatever was starting," Cosima confessed. Alison looked up in surprise.

"Stunt? What stunt?" she asked suspiciously. Cosima and Tony shared a look, wondering if they should say anything.

"Why don't you ask Dr. Cormier if she can recommend you or do something for a different job?" Tony suggested, changing the subject.

"No, that's pushing it. And besides, I don't want special treatment. Pretty sure that's the fastest way to get on the prison's most hated list."

"Well, I'm working electrical so at least you won't be lonely," Tony assured her.

"What happens when you get out?"

"You'll have me," Beth interjected, popping up from behind her cell wall.

"_Joy_," Tony remarked flatly, shooting a glance at Cosima. "You'll also have Nichols."

"She's good too," Cosima agreed. "But she's no you."

. . . . .

"Who are you?" Alison asked the stranger. The newcomer raised an eyebrow at her and peered down at her through her glasses.

"Vause," the woman replied, her husky voice surprised the suburban convict as her own voice was delicate and feminine.

"I meant your first name," Alison clarified, folding a shirt and turning around indignantly.

"Alex."

"Well, _Alex Vause_... You're standing on the dirty pile," Alison informed her, rushing over to yank the clothes out from under the raven-haired woman's feet.

"Jesus. Sorry," she muttered, watching the woman pile the clothes once again a few feet away. The taller woman shifted her weight and smirked as the brunette bustled about. "You know, you remind me of someone."

"Your mother?" Alison asked. "Because I get that a lot."

"No... What're you in here for?" Alex asked her curiously, picking up a dirty shirt to throw it in the washer. "Lemme guess... Somethin' related to drugs."

"Do I seem that neurotic to you?" Alison responded, somewhat offended. "I'm in here for murder, to keep it simple."

"Oh, then you're definitely not who I'm thinking of," Alex decided. "But you look like her. So... murder. What kinda murder are we talkin' here? Violent stabbing... shooting... What?"

Alison sighed before reluctantly answering, "A scarf."

"A _scarf?_" Alex laughed. "Death by a scarf? What'd she do, piss you off by insulting your kids' Frosty the Snowman? Tell 'em he was a fairytale or something?"

"No!" Alison snapped, slamming a pair of pants down on the table and making a threatening step toward her acquaintance. "I took the scarf around her neck in my hands, do you understand me? And I pulled it really tight. And I stared her right in her icy blue eyes as the life drained right out of her, right in front of me, and I only let go when she stopped breathing. Death by a scarf indeed!"

"Okay... Not what I was expecting," Alex admitted, tossing another shirt in. Alison looked at her a few seconds before letting her guard down.

"What're you in here for?"

"Drug cartel. What else?" Alex remarked lightly, as if it were a joke. Alison's mind swirled with the charges of everyone she knew and all the rumors she'd heard and finally put two and two together.

"You're her," Alison murmured in disbelief. "You're that girl."

"What girl?" Alex inquired.

"The girl some other girl won't expand on," Alison responded, still leaving out any specificity.

"Does this 'some other girl' happen to have dreads?" Alex asked hopefully.

"As a matter of fact, she does."

"Do you know where she is right now?"

"You can't go see her. We're working," Alison paused. "Why do you have a job so early if you practically just got here a few days ago?"

"They were short on people in laundry. It seems nobody wants to work with the meth-heads or suburban serial killers," Alex answered jokingly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Alison responded. Alex shook her head and smiled.

"Least we're not working electrical. Could you imagine yourself there?"

"Are you saying I couldn't handle it?" the suburban woman replied, pausing her work.

"No, I'm just saying it might be a _shocking_ experience for you," Alex chuckled.

"That was too corny. Even for me," Alison replied, going back to folding.

"Even if I said I thought you were electro-_cute_?" Alex tried jokingly. Alison threw her a look, but chuckled anyway.

"Okay, that was good. I'll give you that. My turn," Alison answered.

"Alright, shoot."

"I'm going to _electrocute_ you if you don't help me," Alison responded in a flat tone with an innocent, tight-lipped smile and her eyebrows raised. "So try not to be _shocked_ when I do. Do you know _watt_ I'm saying?"

Alex chuckled nervously before she realized the suburban woman really didn't seem to be joking.

"Oh. Right. Sorry."

"Mm."

. . .

"Alex Vause!" the officer shouted at her. "Hands where I can see them."

"I can't!" she exclaimed, yanking at them to show him she really couldn't.

"I said hands where I can see them—"

"I. _Can't_," she tried again. The officer glared at her as he tried to decide if she was lying and when he finally decided she wasn't, he put his gun in its holster and walked cautiously over.

"You one of Kubra's pawns?" he asked as he inched his way over.

"Yes," she replied, her voice cracking. "He had me tied up."

"Why's that?" the cop inquired, finally seeing that her hands were indeed tied together.

"Why do you think?" she asked. "He knew you guys were out for an arrest. Why not just give up his lowest person? He was out of people to give up. So I guess this time it was me."

The cop untied her only to put her in cuffs and say, "Alex Vause, you are under arrest."

"Yeah, I got that part."

"You have the right to remain silent when questioned. Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to consult an attorney..."

Alex allowed the man to drag her out of the apartment and down the stairs. Through the lobby and across the street, all the way to his car as he recited the rest of the Miranda rights.

"Do you understand these rights as I have presented them to you?" he concluded.

"_Yes_," Alex responded through clenched teeth.

. . . . .

The reunion hadn't necessarily been pleasant. However it hadn't been malicious either. Cosima had held her grudge long enough and Alex her guilt. Of course, Cosima had no intention to go right back to Alex and the black-haired woman knew that. But it wouldn't deter her from trying.

. . . . .

"You comin'?" Tony asked as he got up and turned to Cosima.

"Where?" Cosima replied, though she already knew the answer.

"Doc's."

"No, I'll stay behind, thank you."

"Geez, you guys still feelin' awkward around each other or somethin'?" Tony inquired. The PhD student shook her head and smiled at him for assurance. "Alright. I'll be back."

"I know you will," she called after him as he left. She jumped up and turned to Alison. "_Psst_."

"What?" Alison asked, standing up.

"I think we should throw a party for Tony on his last day."

"A party would be a nice idea," Alison agreed. "Let's do it."

"Do you know if Beth could make it? I know Tony always acts like he can't stand her, but I think he's waiting for the day she does dare step in, you know?"

"Um... I don't know... I um... I haven't seen Beth around lately," Alison admitted, her cheeks flushing pink.

"Oh. Well, if you see her..."

"I'll ask," the suburban woman promised.

"Great. I'll go ask around," Cosima told her as she began walking away. The suburban convict nodded once before turning around and almost running right into the ex-cop they'd only spoken about moments ago.

"B-Beth. You scared me," Alison remarked shakily, ducking around her. The woman turned around and took her by the arm.

"Sorry."

"That's... alright," Alison told her, nodding again and going toward the Ukrainian's cubicle.

"No, wait. Um... I also wanted to apologize for... not being around lately, um..." Beth drew in a deep breath before talking more rapidly. "And if I'm being really honest with you, it's because I've been avoiding you. So... Sorry."

"Well. If I'm being really honest with you, I've kind of been thankful you've been avoiding me," Alison confessed with an apologetic smile. Beth's face fell and she nodded slowly at the ground.

"Oh. I get it," she mumbled. It took Alison a second to register how the ex-cop had taken it and once she had, she felt bad.

"No, not because I don't like you," she clarified. Beth's head shot up as if the woman had announced she'd won a million dollars.

"Really?" the surprised woman asked. She'd tried to keep her tone level, but her voice betrayed her.

"Yeah," Alison replied. "I've never felt attracted to a woman before, so you'll have to excuse me... But then again, I've never been to prison before either."

Beth grinned from ear to ear as the suburban woman spoke to her, barely being able to concentrate on the words coming out.

"So should I take your silence as a yes?" Alison asked. Beth blinked herself back and stared at her, not knowing what she'd said.

"I'm sorry, what?" she responded.

"Will you go to Tony's party with me?" Alison repeated. Beth nodded vigorously, her smile only growing larger. "Great. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go track down that Ukrainian woman."

"Uh, why?" Beth asked, following Alison close behind.

"Tony's party," she reminded the ex-cop.

"Right."

"Hey, do me a favor?" Alison stated suddenly.

"What's that?"

"Have you seen the new prisoner?" the suburban convict asked. The cop shook her head and looked at her questioningly. "Alex Vause."

"Never even heard the name."

"Well, you'll know her when you see her. She has to be close to six feet," Alison guessed. "Jet-black hair... Glasses... Tattoos..."

"Are you sure you're not describing the love child of Manning and Niehaus?" Beth joked.

"No, I'm telling you. The woman is real and she's here. And I don't want her crashing Tony's party if I can help it. For Cosima's sake and his. If she's sad, he'll be sad."

"And this has importance to me because..?" Beth inquired. Alison put her hands on her hips, a dominant position and Beth tried to ignore how much she loved it.

"Because Alex is the one who screwed the poor girl over. Now she has to wait to her her doctorate."

"Like I said. This has importance to me because..?" the ex-cop repeated. The suburban woman sighed and shifted her weight.

"Because she flirts with me in the laundry room, okay?" Alison responded before turning on her heel and leaving a speechless Beth behind.

"Okay," Beth muttered to herself. "Now I can see why Niehaus hates the bitch."


	12. Chapter 12: Everyone Deserves 2nd Chance

"Rachel isn't coming. She gave me the impression that she was too good for that or something... But you know she'll be there if Sarah is. That's a given. But Sarah is iffy, therefore Rachel is also iffy. Hm... Oh, Helena is coming. Lorna and Nicky are definitely coming..." Alison counted off on her fingers for Cosima as she paused and thought. "Oh and—"

"I'm coming," Beth piped in as she joined up with the suburban woman and snuck a kiss.

"Keep it in your pants, Childs. Nobody wants to know when you're coming," Tony grumbled. The three of the turned to look at him, who faced the wall as usual.

"You're not asleep?" Cosima asked, surprised she'd been fooled. He shook his head.

"The hell is everybody buzzing about anyway?" Tony asked, turning to face them. "Nobody'll tell me. _Morello_ won't even tell me for fuck's sake."

"Lorna won't even tell you?" Alison echoed in surprise. She was sure that woman would blow it, but it was apparent she hadn't.

"No, she won't. So will somebody please tell me what the hell is going down here?"

Alison looked to Beth and Cosima, who were more eager to lie than she, and they only exchanged a glance between themselves.

"I heard they're putting a nice HD TV in the the rec room," Beth finally answered.

"Alright. But I don't go down to the rec room—"

"You should," Alison insisted. "It's a really fancy television. Better than the one they have now," Alison paused. "It's that um, gel stuff or something?"

"Plasma, I think..." Cosima added, glancing at the suburban woman. "Cool stuff."

"I still don't see the big deal—"

"They've put you on remote control duty," Beth blurted. She smiled sheepishly as the three of them stared at her. "You know, since it's your last day they wanted to commemorate it by having you be the first to use it."

"Was that Fischer's idea?" Tony responded, finally buying into it. The three collectively sighed internally and smiled and nodded in their own ways at him. "She's cool like that."

"So you gonna take advantage of that or not?" Beth asked, hoping for a yes of some sort. Tony nodded his head with a shy smile.

"Sure, why not."

"Wonderful," Alison smiled at him before pulling Beth to the side and lowering her tone so only she could hear. "Has Eagle One's egg hatched?"

"What?" Beth asked, completely confused. Alison sighed impatiently before trying again.

"Eagle One laid an egg. Has it hatched yet?"

"Ali, are you trying to do spy talk on me or something?"

Alison yanked the ex-cop further aside and responded, "Are you taking care of the thing?"

"What thing, Ali?"

"The thing I asked you to take care of."

"The Alex thing? Because I—"

"_Shhh_!"

Beth apologized and lowered her tone before repeating, "The Alex thing?"

The suburban convict nodded her head as she gazed at her intently.

"I haven't seen her. It's like she's laying low on the radar or something."

"Probably getting the down low on Cosima," Alison thought aloud.

"'Down low'?" Bech chuckled at the new lingo.

"Beth, you can't let her—"

"I know. I can't let her find out and if she does, I need to tell her she isn't invited. But don't you think that's a little—"

"I don't care what it is or isn't. I'm looking out for my neighbor."

"Just like you were looking out for Aynsley Norris?" Beth joked. The soccer mom gave her the evil eye and Beth's laugh turned into a smirk.

"Just watch out for Alex."

"Hey, if we're doing spy talk now, what's my codename if yours is Eagle One?"

"I don't know. Pick one yourself."

"Agent Slick 'n' Sexy," Beth replied. "And it spells ASS."

"No. Pick a different one."

"Fine..." Beth sighed. "Can I be Agent EO-double S?"

"E-O-S-S?" Alison asked hesitantly. "What does that stand for?"

"Eagle One's Sex Slave," Beth responded with a smug grin. Alison shook her head. "How about Eagle One's Sexy Servant?"

"That still sounds raunchy."

"Eagle One's Sexy Sidekick," Beth tried again, still grinning at the woman. Alison shook her head in surrender.

"Fine. I suppose that's as clean as you're going to get."

"It is."

"Then E-O-double S is fine..."

"No it's too long—"

"Beth! This isn't relevant—"

"Just Agent Double S. Sexy Sidekick as I promised. Okay?"

"Yes! Fine! Just go look for Alex."

"On my way, Eagle One."

Alison rolled her eyes but smiled, trying not to think about just how endearing Beth's voice sounded as it wrapped around her codename.

Beth made her way down hallway after hallway before slamming into Sarah Manning, who gave her a dirty look.

"The hell's your problem?" Beth asked her.

"My roommate won't shut up about you," Sarah responded, eyeing the ex-cop.

"And?"

"And it's bloody relentless!"

"Look," Beth began, shifting her weight and crossing her arms. "If you actually found Alison as annoying as you pretend to, you wouldn't call people by their first names like she does. And you wouldn't refer to her as your roommate like she does. She's gotten to you and you know it. You probably find her compassionate and like a mother and you like that so you do as she asks, even if you complain about it. Stop me if I'm wrong."

"Is that what bein' a detective is?" Sarah asked in her lilted London accent, suddenly seeming to soften right in front of Beth. "Profilin' people?"

"No. But that's just something I learned on my own."

"Just... don't hurt her, alright?" Sarah responded, trying to harden up again. "I'd never hear the end of that either and I don't think I'd be able to bear listening to that for the rest of my sentence, yeah?"

"I wouldn't dream of it," Beth replied solemnly. She tried not to smile at the punk's failed attempt at sounding tough. Sarah nodded with a straight face. "See you around then."

"Yeah," the Brit grunted, walking off. "See ya."

"Hey, Sarah—"

"What?"

"You see an Alex Vause around here by chance?"

"What're you, the vigilante inmate now?" Sarah asked. "Bathroom."

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it," Sarah responded, her tone making sound more like a command. Beth ducked into the bathroom to check out her girlfriend's flirty acquaintance. She had an excellent vantage point as the woman had her back turned and was adjusting herself in the mirror.

"You come to yell at me for making a mess again or what?" Alex asked, her tone joking. Beth knew she was caught and finally stepped in, eyeing the woman's reflection to get a better look at her face. She watched the woman slip on some black glasses and turn to look at her. "Oh. You're not Hendrix."

"No I am not."

"My mistake. You kind of look like her. 'Specially without my glasses on... Geez, how many of you lookalikes are running around here anyway? A girl could get confused—"

"Oh, trust me. You _won't_ get confused," Beth replied almost threateningly as she stepped closer.

"Vause—"

"I know who you are," Beth cut her off, stepping even closer and noticing about half a foot difference in height before deciding she was close enough.

"That's funny... Because I don't know who _you_ are," Alex responded, seemingly unafraid of the clearly pissed off inmate standing before her. "Unless I do and you're playing some kind of game with me."

"The hell's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know. Do you happen to wear glasses?"

"No."

"Alright then. Everything I just said means nothing."

"Lemme ask you something... Did everything you said to that girl in the laundry room mean nothing too?" Beth asked, crossing her arms and looking up into those mysterious green eyes.

"Excuse me?"

"You were flirting. With _my girlfriend_."

"Jesus. Sorry. I just got here. How was I supposed to know?" Alex responded, moving to the side to get around the ex-cop. Beth moved and blocked her. "You tryna dance with me or something?"

Beth glared silently at her, seething for no real reason. She couldn't really tell why the woman got her so worked up as she hadn't really said anything too offensive. She knew why. She'd been bitten by the little green monster.

"Look, I said I was sorry. It won't happen again. You can't keep me in here forever," Alex commented as she pushed past the ex-cop after looking at the name tag. "Later, _Childs_."

Beth waited a few seconds after the dark-haired woman left before going to find Alison, who stood where she'd last seen her.

"Ali!" Beth hissed before making a come hither motion. The suburban woman made her way over to the ex-cop and searched her eyes. "Eagle One's egg has hatched."

"What?" Alison asked. Her eyes suddenly lit up in recognition and she nodded vigorously to convey her comprehension.

"Agent Double S has another message. Permission to deliver?"

"Permission granted," Alison answered flatly.

"Agent Double S wants to plant a tulip in your garden."

"Beth, we've only just—"

"No, no, no! I meant a kiss!" Beth quickly clarified, suddenly realizing just how wrongly that could've been taken.

"Oh. Then permission granted," Alison smiled as Beth leaned in.

"No touching!" a female correctional officer shouted. The two women flinched, but obeyed and backed off as the officer passed.

"She doesn't seem to know about it," Beth sighed. "Oh and by the way, why didn't you tell me she was so fuckin' _tall_? Jesus Christ."

"Are you feeling threatened?"

"Ali, it almost feels like you want me to feel threatened... Do you?"

"I must say... Jealousy green is a cute color on you," Alison replied.

"Ha. Ha. I forgot to laugh," Beth remarked sarcastically.

**. . . . .**

"Bitches be crazy 'round here, huh?" Alex asked as she slid into the seat next to the brooding brunette.

"Bitches be crazy," a Ukrainian accent echoed as a frizzy-haired blonde woman passed by. Alex jumped. She hadn't noticed her standing in the corner until she'd moved and spoken.

"Yeah, what do you want?" Sarah asked, finally acknowledging the tattooed woman who'd sat next to her.

"What do you want?" came an Eastern Slavic echo.

"Just to talk. Maybe make a new friend in here..." Alex hinted. The Brit rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. "I'd say we're the same person."

Sarah snorted and looked at her with condescending amusement.

"Sestra. Sestra. _Sestra_..." Helena repeated softly over and over as she paced back and forth.

"Yeah, yeah. Helena, we got that the first few times ya said it when ya came 'ere. We don't 'ave a clue as to what you're on about—"

"_Sestra_..."

"I don't know what that means!"

"_Sestra_."

"_What_, Helena?" Sarah sighed frustratedly.

"_You. Sestra_."

"Yeah. I got that. But I don't understand what that is," Sarah repeated slowly, hoping the Ukrainian would finally catch onto her cluelessness.

"Maybe it's a nickname," Alex offered. Sarah rolled her eyes before the statement sunk and and once it had processed, she realized that the husky-voiced woman was probably right.

"Maybe," Sarah replied tersely before looking at Helena. "Helena. Are you callin' me Sestra? Like... a name or somethin'?"

Helena nodded happily as she had finally made a breakthrough with the Brit.

"So Sestra is my name to you, yeah?" Sarah clarified. The blonde nodded joyously again. "Alright then. What do I call you then? _Hestra_? Is that how that thing goes?"

"Sestra, I do not understand... What thing? Where goes it?"

"I'm Sestra..." Sarah groaned irritatedly as she made an event of pointing to herself. Helena nodded to show that she understood that part. "So you'd be Hestra, yeah? And Cosima'd be... I don't know, _Cestra_? And Beth would be _Bestra_—but don't tell her that. She already thinks she's the best."

"No, you are Sestra—"

"I know!" Sarah snapped. "And now I'm dubbin' ya Hestra so jus' deal with it yeah?"

Helena squinted at the brunette, clearly confused with Sarah's line of thinking.

"Hestra is not a word..." Helena murmured shyly.

"Neither is Sestra!" Sarah promptly shot back.

"But it is—"

"Geez," Alex snickered. "You guys fight like sisters!"

The black-haired woman rose, giving up on her mission of approaching the Brit and being friends with her—not that it would've gone as planned as Sarah didn't trust her—and walked out.

"Tell me about babies," Helena commanded, scooting into the vacant seat and cradling her face in her hands as she looked up at Sarah.

"Uh... What d'ya wanna know about 'em?" Sarah asked, feeling as if she were walking into a trap. She hoped the blonde wasn't tricking her into giving her The Talk.

"Do you have babies?"

"No."

"You have baby," Helena insisted. The Brit sighed and nodded.

"Yeah. I do."

"Tell me about her."

"Not much to tell. 'Er name's Kira. That's about it," Sarah told her, hoping to keep it short and simple rather than having to reveal a large amount of information to this stranger, this convict. A convict who was probably in there for murder on top of her seemingly obvious psychological issues.

"Tell me more about... Kira," the Ukrainian urged. Sarah crossed her arms, but began talking anyway, knowing the blonde wouldn't let up if she refused.

"She's... I don't know. Haven't seen her in a while. That's bad, I know. She's... sunshine on a rainy day, you know? She smiles and ya gotta smile back. And she's bloody brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Gets it from her father, you know. Couldn't have gotten an ounce of it from me—I mean, just look at me," Sarah smiled sadly. "And she makes these little drawings. Little drawings of her and me..."

Helena waited patiently for the brunette to take a breath and continue.

"The family we could be. The family she wants... The family she deserves..." Sarah sighed. "And now the family I can't give her."

"You can give her family," Helena told her, as if she were promising it. "When you get out."

"If Mrs. S. lets me see her. She's the woman raisin' her right now. She barely wanted me to see her when I wasn't in prison. How d'ya think she'll react?"

"Everyone deserves second chance," the Ukrainian responded, surprising Sarah. "Stupid or not."


End file.
